Stuff I Have Said (without context): Puns

"My hair is so naturally straight it scores a 0 on the Kinsey Scale!"

The Twelve Days Before Christmas, Pt. 6

I got a little lax on this.  The holidays and "Sybil" have finally gotten the best of me, and I am drunk and murderous right now.  If you went shopping today for last-minute gifts, I have two words for you, and they begin with FUCK YOU.


That is all.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Too Sexy!

"It's like a rain dance!"

Must See

Only YOU can prevent vampires and goblins from running around in your bloodstream!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Debate Nostalgia

"Yeah, I've got your core values right here."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Reasons to Keep Me Off the Sales Floor

"You should have just given her a disc for 1000 free hours of AOL and left it at that."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): It's what plants crave!

"This is why abortion should not only be legal, but compulsory in many cases."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Eric is Still Grounded for Trying to Exterminate the Jews

"She says right before I end up in front of fire."

Stuff Mandytron has said

"I promise I am not leading you to the ovens."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): 9 Months is Apparently a Long Time

"I just saw a picture of Ronald Reagan as a young man and thought he was hot. I think I need to end my dry streak"

Questions and Answers about Eris Greenberg

When I am not being annoying as Eris Greenberg, I am another individual with a real person name and I spend a lot of time being annoying as that person on Facebook.  Someone answered a question about me on facebook and I decided I just HAD to know what question someone answered.  Turns out many people have answered questions about me, and I feel commentary is necessary on these answers.  Results lie beyond the jump.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Actually Meeting Job Requirements

"Your move, dominant gender paradigm!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Fashion Trends

"So, recap: my grandfather dresses like a hipster, my grandmother used to drink faygo, and my mother was wearing Uggs in the mid-90s. This is why I will never do any of those things."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Mistakes I Have Made

Two for one:

"The biological warfare aspect does give me a certain incentive to try to sleep with X again, because then I can be like 'it's biological warfare, bitch!'."

"Do bicycles even give dudes rashes?  And if so, do they really look like genital warts?  I feel like if you got a rash like that from riding a bike, no man would ever ride a bike again."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): I am a Terrible Human Being

"If he didn't look like a demonic gopher secret ginger, the prospect would be even brighter."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Also, I Look Like Jabba in a Bikini

"I am Carrie Fisher-style crazy, if you replace 'rampant drug abuse' with 'mild Benadryl dependency'."

Insomnia Chronicles: the "Eris Greenberg"

Today I got a message from my old boss from college, who now has pretty much the same job as I do at a different store in the same company.  She has named a particular kind of work-related accident after me.  I think the world should know that "pulling an Eris" (or whatever my real name is) is apparently when you get a random allergic reaction to something at work.  Oddly, I had a slightly less random allergic reaction at work earlier this week.  Pro-tip: never make me backstock nuts.  They will murder me.  Nuts are part of a vast Communist conspiracy.

In other news, I totally hate my life and feel my bi-annual nervous breakdown fast approaching.  Hopefully I can get that over with during my "weekend" and not deal with it at work.  Oh, wait, I'm sorry, this *isn't* my old LJ account and its cringe-worthy emo ramblings?  Well then, I will stop myself right here.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Why Do I Speculate About Such Things?

"He is someone I could probably freezer-rape because there's no real size difference. I just wouldn't want to."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Oh, and I am not a stripper either

"The state of our work area right now is a passive-aggressive testament to the effort it took me not to straight up murder our new coworker.  Have fun tomorrow, dude!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Cinema

"I can't look at you right now!  No one born during the Reagan Administration has any excuse for never seeing the movie 'Wayne's World'."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Pwned

"I'm sitting there too... well, it's the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.  I am like an electron and you cannot predict whether I am sitting in this chair or that chair... well what are you going to do, invent Heisenberg compensators like on Star Trek?  EXPLAIN HOW THAT TECHNOLOGY WORKS!"

I am smarter without sleep.

Insomnia Chronicles: Chimera

Theory re: dude-like qualities. I had a twin in utero that was male. Mom smoking pot gave me the munchies and I ate my twin, giving me his DNA and dude powers.

Sharktopus won't be kept at bay!

I was Angler Sharktopus for Halloween, but the pictures turned out bad.  Apparently Blogger realized this, because check these nachos out:

Uh, yes.  Yes that does look like a shark dorsal fin!

The shape occurs during the period I was wearing my costume.  COINCIDENCE?

Because No Event is Too Sacred For a South Park Reference

Possibly, maybe, this is a real picture of "Eris Greenberg" and her icky mouth.

Girl Power!!!

Angler Fish Spice was the sixth Spice Girl but Simon thought it was too obscure and controversial.

A Get Well Card For Erica, Who Should Stay Away from SeeSaws/Teetertotters

So... the reason the angler fish is a bitch is because there is no way that is a male angler fish.  Male angler fish, as they mature into adulthood, become parasites attached to females and eventually atrophy into little more than a pair of gonads that exist solely to impregnate the host angler fish.  GIRL POWER!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Judaism is Showing

"I have thought of nothing but sex and bagels all day, and of the two, bagels are easier to get."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): They Both End in A I guess

"Also, I am glad you think I celebrate Kwanzaa. It means you think I'm black. And since everyone else thinks I am a dude, I must have a big penis, so yay for me!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Fun Fun Fun in the Sun Sun Sun

"Erica, if you do not know about Mr. Flibble and his hex vision, that is not my problem. That is something you should have learned about from PBS as a child."

Stuff A-Train Has Said (without context)

"Tofuck you!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Secret Rulers of the World

"You know why conspiracy theories are wrong?  One of my great-grandfathers was a Mason, two of them were Jewish, and one of them was a descendant of the white dudes who settled this country.  According to conspiracy theories, I should be running the show here."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Missing the Point

"The moral of that story is to never send your husband to 7-11 for a pregnancy craving, or he will sell your baby."

How to Get Paid to Lose Weight

Because people have actually stopped recognizing me in public due to my drastic weight loss, I have posted my weight loss secrets for all to share in and enjoy.  Honestly, I've been accused of just having tapeworms, but future medical professionals who are way scared of parasites have told me the rate at which I've lost weight isn't quite tapeworm quality.

Oh, if you were curious: I may have weighed as much as 160 pounds, and since I am 5'1, that is a lot.  I blame my weight gain in high school (40 pounds in about a year) on anti-psychotic medications.  The rest of the weight gain started in college and can be blamed on poor diet and lack of exercise, both of which I attribute to depression.

It's Not Really a Rhetorical Question

Today for some reason, I have repeatedly found myself wondering "are we human?  Or are we dancer?"

I just remembered my cousin's wedding.  I am definitely human.

Grrr, Raymond. Play someone else for once!

No matter what time it is, Ray Romano is on at least one channel. When will TV understand that not everybody loves Raymond?

The Beginnings of a Developing Drinking Problem

I was about five seconds from stabbing everyone today.  Literally, everyone.  Click the cut for a comic depiction of my new coping mechanism.

Things My Dad Says on the Phone (without context)

"Well, I've been taking the iron pills, but I might have to take a stool softener."

 My dad officially = old.

I Win! The internet says so!

I mentioned this earlier, but even STFU Conservatives agrees that my relative needs to STFU: http://stfuconservatives.tumblr.com/post/1526532017

Stuff I Have Said (without context): wasting leftover lunch money and clay

"Hello, I'm Satan!  Would you like to sell your soul to me for a DOLLAR?"

Scary things

Words that should strike terror into the hearts of all: RTD instruction bus.

Why you should be posting comments on my blog

Look at all the fun you could be having:

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Duct Tape

"I occasionally think of that pudding and all that could have been."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Eye Strain

"Fetal Crash is my new band name, A-train. I made it up with my own poor vision so you cannot steal that name or our unique alt-country crunk sound."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): More Badass than Cartman

"Whateva, whateva! When I was fifth grade class president, I had affairs with twelve interns and murdered them all! I DO WHUT I WANT!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): low-tech solutions

"Thanks to canned air, my computer is now walking on sunshine."

Another card, dripping with sincerity. Gross.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Ex-Boyfriends

"Well, [my current employer] would never fire me for making fun of its emo poetry."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Scotch

"Well there you go.  Florida has exactly three types of people: white trash, Cubans, and old Jews.  None of them can make scotch."

Notosha's Birthday E-Card

You know, for something I have never actually seen, I worry a lot about anglerfish:

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Gay Welshies in Russia

"I hope I have made you laugh inappropriately in front of your chin (is that what he would be to you as you are his beard?)"

Stuff I Will Deny Saying (without context): workplace romances

"Maybe I should talk to HR about hiring more cute single heterosexual guys."

Stuff I Will Probably Be Saying Next Week (without context)

"Beth, bear-mace that guy!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Cake

"Cake is for winners."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Foreign Languages

"Swedish sounds less like the Swedish chef than I have been led to believe. Lying muppets."

An E-Card I Made for E-Fizzle

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Bacon

"Oh bacon, your ability to coat my arteries in cholesterol coats my soul in warm fuzzies. Never stop being so delicious."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Creative Solutions to the Ginger Problem

"I mean, botulism would cure your migraines forever."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Monkey pickpockets

"I wonder if anyone has ever made a documentary about monkey crime lords."

Stuff My Old Roommate's Mother Has Said (without context)

"I did not raise you to drink Gatorade!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Noms

"It's clear that we all must continue to consume McDonald's in order to gain the power of eternal life, like in 'Highlander'. Totally easier than beheading someone."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Roneriness

"I like North Korean politics for the same reason I like Teen Mom."

Stuff my coworkers have said (without context)

"Don't kill him.  If you do, let me know.  I have five acres of land."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): The Land Without Feelings

"...I hate feelings and rainbows and all things happy. Wow, that sounds like a Care Bear villain speech."

And speaking of Care Bear villains...

Stuff I have said (without context): Making Grandma Happy

"Jason Schwartzman.  Now THERE is a name I can bring home to my grandmother."

Stuff Patience has said (without context): Questionable Sexual Judgment Lifetime Achievement Award

"She can have that award. I hear it makes a great crack pipe if it's held sideways."

Insomnia Chronicles: Fun I Wish I Could Have

I have the following conversation with customers about 8 times a day while working:

The hovering green sign above the angry dude is a pretty good representation of our actual bread sign's location during this conversation, PS. 

Lately, I have begun to think that illiteracy and laziness should not be rewarded.

At Aisle Z28 (not an aisle name based on reality):

People who cannot find bread in an aisle marked bread really, REALLY need to not breed, so I consider it a public service to direct them towards family planning aides.  Too bad this would be the consequence:

Yes, that is supposed to be fire, representing my firing.  Shut up about my poor drawing skills.  At least I can fucking read, bitches! 

Stuff I have said (without context): Captain Obvious

"Do I love Lifetime movies a little more than I should, considering my intellectual ability? Is there pot growing somewhere in Boulder County?"

Stuff I have said (without context): My brother's man-tits

"I hope his vasectomy doesn't reverse itself like his breast-reduction."

Growing Up UU: The High School Youth Group

One of the few places my brother belonged as a teen (besides away from public view) was in the youth group at our church.  It was a colorful cast of characters.  In fact, at least one member appeared on Maury Povich.  Now, UU youth groups are almost always full of oddlings: the last one I attended formulated a plan to "gutter punk it" for a week. 

Anyway, "as a joke" (again, UU kids invented lulz) one evening, the youth group my brother attended decided to leave condoms and pot all over the youth group room.  A letter went out in the church bulletin the next week about how the youth group was suspended and how disappointed the congregation was in them. 

Years later, it was determined by my siblings and I that this disappointment stemmed from all that pot going to waste.

Stuff I have said (without context): My brother's tattoos

"I know some people who are getting wedding ring tats.  You should not do this if you get married because it will probably say 'hooker' in Farsi."

Stuff I have said (without context): Career Plans

"Just FYI: I have decided that we should open a cheese shop/bordello. Perhaps there are hallucinogens burning in the giant fire in Boulder."

From the Archives: Questions Regarding Proposed Amendment 62

Dug this up from my old blog's archive file.  Two years ago, Prop 48 in Colorado failed by a wide margin.  Today, the same assholes are running Prop 62, which is the same amendment with new wording.  I have the same questions for these douches now as I did back then:
 

1.) Can I drive in the carpool lane if I'm pregnant?  Technically, I have a passenger.
2.) Will women coming to this country illegally to have anchor babies have their "pre-born" child declared an illegal immigrant too?  I bet Tom Tancredo'd totally back me on this one.
3.) Can I start throwing my kid a conception day party?  This would serve the dual purpose of celebrating the beginning of my child's life and reminding my husband to check all condoms for pinholes.
4.) Considering that many pro-life types say that birth control is an abortifacient, will birth control be criminalized?  If so, will the government pay for all 18 of my children to have health care and college educations?  After all, if I can't get birth control, the only contraceptive I have access to is shame about expressing my sexual desires.  And condoms.  But who likes condoms?
5.) Can a man sue a woman on behalf of their "pre-born" child because like... the woman is doing something he doesn't think is in the "pre-born" child's best interest?  I am not just talking crack here, folks.  Caffeine is bad for pregnant women.  So is tuna fish.  And there seem to be carcinogens lurking around every corner.
6.) If human life begins at conception, does that include animal life too?  If so, can we start screaming at vegetarians who eat eggs that they are no better than Conor Oberst and his piscatarian emo ass?  (don't I already do this?)
7.) Will it eventually get to the point that I have to get wi-fi for my uterus?
8.) Will the government begin systematically rounding up wire coat hangers like they are Joan Crawford?
9.) Can I charge my "pre-born" child's father a fee for the renting of my uterus?
10.) If this proposal is about giving the "pre-born" equal civil rights, then why are politicians not as concerned with the Equal Rights Amendment?
11.) Are my children going to eventually invade Russia for their "genocide" against the "pre-born" (105 abortions for every 100 live births, folks)?  If so, will my cupcake/masturbation-centric religion be government-recognized in time to give them a religious excuse to get out of it?
12.) Can I get in trouble for being verbally abusive to my "pre-born" child?
13.) Do gay "pre-born" children get equal civil rights?
14.) Most importantly, can I argue the "Make My Day" law in defense to having an abortion?  My thought is that... in some abortion situations, it's either abort the baby or we both go down together. 

Until the Right can show me how they plan to prevent me from abusing the carpool lane by faking hysterical pregnancy (and how this amendment won't take away my rights to my own body), I am voting NO on Prop 62.  Please join me, Colorado! 

Insomnia Chronicles: Being in a Band

So, I came to the realization that many men are up to their eyeballs in women solely because they are in bands.  I mean, I was second-chair cymbalist in marching band during my sophomore year of high school, and I was *at least* tit-deep in women back then.  Too bad I lean too far towards heterosexual to have taken advantage of that fact.

Stuff I have said (without context): My Terrible Eating Habits

"I actually am having a hard time deciding whether, if some dude walked in right now and offered me either sex or Red Robin (not both), I would be able to choose sex and not regret it."

Stuff Patience has said (without context)

"Hey we could go home, but... that troll is out of butter!! We must help him butter his muffins! That's what the Federation is about! I mean seriously. That bitch would do anything not to go home. It's like people still remembered the Federation xmas party where she took off her top and everyone saw she had a 3rd nipple, or something."

Stuff I have said (without context): Ninja Escape Cats

"I wholeheartedly support marking that beast."

Stuff I have said (without context): Rocky Mountain Showdown

"Well, let's face it: CSU just doesn't have the budget to slip enough girls GHB for the recruits like CU does."

Insomnia Chronicles: Handwriting

Today for a brief moment I thought that my handwriting would look more intimidating if I began dotting my lowercase "i"s with little hearts.  It may take too much effort to retrain myself to do this, much like it would take too much effort to re-learn how to write  in cursive.  Supposedly they changed cursive writing so there are no longer all the fun loops and bubbles, and in some versions the Q no longer looks like a misshapen 2.  Why bother changing it at this point, says I?  We have computers now. 

Handwriting was by far the worst class in elementary school, PS, although at least I am not from a country that uses hanzi in writing.  I have been told by professors that my handwriting in Chinese is so bad that in Asia, I would have been beaten.  This assumes that I wouldn't have been one of Asia's "missing girls", which would have been probable considering I have an older brother.  Then again, the way he turned out, I am sure my hypothetical Asian parents would have often wondered what might have been.  

Stuff I have said (without context): Overpopulation

"Michelle Duggar's cavernous womb causes naught but sorrow."

Texts I Should Never Have To Send

"Please tell the big red machine her child's genitals do not belong on facebook.  It's better coming from you as you are a parent."

Insomnia Chronicles: Late Night TV

So, seriously, who actually liked Becker enough that it's on five times a day?

Stuff I have said (without context): Punctuation Abuse

"The hyphen is the new apostrophe."

Stuff I have said (without context): Gender Parity

"I got in trouble for being topless in Ohio when I was four.  My dad and my brother both took their shirts off outside and I did the same.  Keep in mind, I was four, so out of the three of us I had the smallest breasts."

Stuff I have said (without context): Jack London

"All his work is a metaphor for robot unicorns."

Stuff I have said (without context): Whores

"To at least one of my college roommates, venereal diseases were like Pokemon-- gotta catch 'em all."

Comments are GO!!

OMG I turned off comment moderation!  Let's make my blog comments section more fun than a game of loaded questions!

The World is Trying to Kill Me: The Freezer (part 2 of...)

Today my supervisor told me that I was being offered a position once seasonal ended.  Unfortunately, my position didn't have any hours, so I'm being offered one... in the freezer.  As I said I'd take it, remembering spending 7 days a week watching Law and Order reruns on the couch, the following music began softly playing in my head:



Still, it is better than being divebombed by the evil parakeet.

Growing Up UU: Picking Fights with Imams at Age 12

I'm a feminist.  I come from a family where the women are as educated or more educated than the men, and the only thing I was ever told I couldn't do based on my gender was drive a stick shift, which I can so... yeah, fuck you.

In my last GU^3, I discussed the 6th grade RE curriculum, where we visited various religious centers.  I've already told my Born-Again story, and the only thing memorable about the Buddhist temple was that it smelled, oddly, like Corn Flakes.  I did not go to the synagogue because I had something for Girl Scouts that night and to me, synagogue was a place to catch up on my Boxcar Children during my cousin's bat mitzvah ceremony.  That is, approximately, how much respect my mother has for Judaism/my dad's family.

Anyway, we also went to a mosque, which was really interesting for a couple of reasons:

1. It was a Sunday.  There was no one there besides the imam.
2. Mosques are BEAUTIFUL.  Plush carpet, marble, indoor fountains... our church was built in 1867-ish.  The furniture probably dated back to that time.
3. The moms leading the field trip actually deferred to another religion and wore headscarves.  I think some of us were asked if we needed them too, but I sure as hell didn't and I don't think any of the other girls would have admitted to having their period yet.

So, we were in a library and the imam was talking about women in Islam and I started asking questions.  I feel kind of bad in retrospect, but I think I learned a lot and I appreciated the imam's patience with me.  That imam's patience and calm when dealing with my fiery pro-woman rhetoric cemented my impression of American Muslims as people who put up with a lot of shit.  I have nothing but respect for them, and I think years later, the experience and my behavior made it easier for me to deal with religious leaders that can maintain a reasonable dialogue for questions.  Wow, that wasn't actually funny.  FAIL.

Insomnia Chronicles: Confidential to Patience

I have two words for you:

MR. SCRAGGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Stuff I have said (without context): OCD

"I should be Sharktopus for Halloween.  How can I turn that into something slutty?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Poor Understanding of Colorado Gun Laws

"Well dude, they did send me to the ER.  Essentially, they "made my day", and in Colorado, that allows me to shoot them."

Growing Up UU: Testify!

As I may have mentioned in this blog before, my father is Jewish and my mother was raised in various Protestant denominations and is somewhat of an anti-Semite (she also hates Catholics, to be fair).  As a compromise (or something), they sent my older brother, my younger sister and I to a Unitarian church.  When I was really little, I had no idea what that meant.  I regularly confused my church with the Mormons who advertised on TV.  Now I understand that being a Unitarian in Cleveland in the 1980s and '90s meant that you were the product of an interfaith marriage.  I was one of the only kids in my Sunday School class whose parents had the same unhyphenated last name.  As a result, I have some humorous anecdotes.  Here is one:

As part of the sixth grade RE (religious education) curriculum, we went to a bunch of different religious centers, including a Buddhist temple, a mosque, a synagogue, and what the teachers told us was a "Born-Again" church.  To highlight how much we were told about this church, I didn't realize until about age 14 or so that it was "Born-Again" and not "Bornagin", like some kind of Irish surname a la "Finnegan".  Anyway, I remember gathering in the parking lot and one of our teachers saying the following (artist's depiction of UU Sunday School teacher follows):

There will be a part of the service where they ask you to come up and get saved.  If any of you go up there, we will all be going home and explaining to your parents what you did.

Now, for the uninitiated, this may, at first glance, seem like our heathen instructor was trying to prevent us from accepting the love of Jesus.  However, in reality, our teachers knew that we would all go up and get saved just for the lulz.  This was years before there was a name for lulz, but I am pretty sure UU Sunday School kids invented lulz.  More stories of lulz to come later.

Stuff I have said (without context): Expatriation

"Who fucking cares? People hunt elves there, their president is an open lesbian, and you're listed in the phone book by your first name."

Spammers Finally Know How to Get My Attention

Observe:

Stuff I have said (without context): Patience is a pancreas

"I mean, fuck, you have always been good at selling shit. Your sales pitch for your Mexican amusement park beat Ian hugging trees."

Stuff I have said (without context): Nintendo Cereal

"So, to recap, I remember a commercial jingle from when I was four. Really, why is no one experimenting on me?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Laziness

"Why does going to Arby's require clothes?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Iceland

"I just quoted Mighty Ducks. That really just happened."

Stuff I have said (without context): Dancing

"We need to start trolling Christian groups to bring back the minuet."

Stuff I have said (without context): bathrooms

"Not that you can get AIDS from a toilet seat, but if you could, this one would be like the Broad Street Pump."

Stuff I have said (without context): Malls

"Joe is to that mall what Pedobear is to the internet."

Stuff I have said (without context): Hazardous Work

"Dude, I think being Mel Gibson's personal Jew Whipping Girl would be less hazardous."

Stuff I have said (without context): Karma

"Yeah, I think the Freezer Mafia is out to get us for all those times we mocked them in Loaded Questions. They are made in China, after all."

Boob Injuries: Name Tag + Ladder

At work, our name tags pin on.  Here is why that is bad:

At least I do not need to wear a water bra.

The World is Trying to Kill Me: The Freezer

I work in retail.  We have a frozen food section.  Mainly this means I get to enjoy a 10% discount on ice cream.  This also means that in the course of my day, I get to deal with... A WALK-IN FREEZER.

Because of how many times I have stared death in the face in this freezer, I have personified it.

Sometimes it allows ice to accumulate on its floor:

 
Other times it gives me an asthma attack just going in there:

Then this one time I had to go in through a different entrance and I cut my hand on the handle:

But today it decided to just rain containers of vanilla ice cream on me:

I really should look into life insurance.  Do they cover malicious freezer deaths?

Stuff I have said (without context): Lady Issues

"I am getting cock-blocked by my own cervix."

Stuff I have said (without context): Revenge

"Remember, I am only thinking of the children."

Stuff I have said (without context): Animal Literacy

"That top-hat cat probably reads.  Not corgis." 

Stuff I have said (without context): Poles

"OMG WHO IS MAKING FUN OF POLES? Who would do such a thing??"

Why I Hate Birthdays: #7

So, first of all, I turned seven right before first grade, if the fact that I have poor motor skills to this day didn't immediately tip you off that I started kindergarten late.  We were supposed to go to this kid's amusement park, but of course everything had to get rearranged when the interchangeable pediatrician (seriously, there were like a million dudes in the practice and my mother never cared which one I saw) told me I had strep and gave me an injection of antibiotics in my behind for my birthday.  I did not have the massive amounts of padding there that I do now and (unlike when I got the same antibiotic and steroid shot to treat my strep/thrush/mono/awesome hallucinations disease years later) it really, really hurt.  At least I got my birthday present early.

Stuff I have said (without context): Love

"If I had a dollar for every time a straight guy said he loved me and meant it, I would have no dollars.  If I had a dollar for every time a gay guy said he loved me, I would no longer need to live at home."

Boob Injuries: Eczema

No, I will not be posting pictures.

Boob Injuries: Duct Tape

Boob Injuries: Pre-School

:

Boob Injuries: Marching Band

Absolutely, 100% true story.

Why I Hate Birthdays: #s 14, 15, and 17

This next one is actually really sad.

Why I Hate Birthdays: #20

Why I Hate Birthdays: #25

My 25th birthday, illustrated.

Stuff I have said (without context): Heritage

"I am at the DMV with 100 numbers ahead of me because I did not want to pay an extra fee.  I am either Jewish, masochistic, or both."

My vote is on both.  It didn't help that THE HOTTEST GUY EVER was at the DMV reading H.P. Lovecraft and I was way too nervous to talk to him.  I sound creepy when I talk to men, even when I am not trying to pick them up.  I think my birthday buddy was a little weirded out by the suggestion we go to the DMV together, for example.

Stuff I have said (without context): Vegetables

"If I were a vegetable, I would be Terri Schiavo."

Thanks for reminding me of this one, A-Train!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Kissing

"Have you ever been kissed and it feels like he's sucking all the breath out of your body? Do not answer yes if it is because he was choking you."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Brother

"However, now my brother IS creepy and with 20% more man-tit."

Why I Hate Birthdays: #16

At some point within the next week, I will be turning old.  Here is an illustration of why I do not enjoy birthdays, which may become one in a series:

Oh, the purple thing is a feather boa.  True story.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): URLs

"I should find a way to make a URL shortening thing that makes everything look like a RickRoll."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Accents

"I'm sure if you were fucking The Situation, he'd know what you were saying."

On Working For a Soulless, Evil Corporation versus a Small Business Owner

I am using my bachelor's degree and post-bachelor's professional certificate to work in retail.  My dad thinks being covered in bruises and wanting to chop my feet off by the end of a shift will make me want to go back to work in an office.  The following chart contrasts my experiences working for a large retail chain versus working in an office with less than five employees total.

Retail	Office
"Please make sure to bring a driver's license and your social security card to the orientation".	"You look white enough, but the gub'ment insists!"
"We value diversity."	"The only thing Muslims have ever done in their entire history is try to kill the Jews, and now they're after us too."
"We take sexual harassment very seriously."	"No boobs in court."
"You need to clock out for lunch if you're here for more than five hours. We don't want to get fined by OSHA."	"What do you mean 'when can I take my lunch?' That is the rudest thing any employee has ever said to me. What is the problem with your generation anyway?"
"Great, you can read. Here's the keys to some heavy machinery that, if operated improperly, could kill someone."	"Why did you use a serial comma? Unlearn everything your *public education* taught you!"
"Well, you were supposed to be here at 2 AM, not 2 PM. Whatever, they could use you in back."	"Why did you fail to mail a [non-time sensitive] letter like I asked you to yesterday? Do you have any idea how upsetting it was to leave the office at 10pm and find that letter on the front desk?"
"If you want to bring your iPod, that's fine. Just keep one earbud out while you work."	"I'm going to listen to 'Rush' and 'Sean' and 'Glen' all day because they are truth-tellers."
"Don't touch hazardous materials and alert your superiors of health or safety hazards immediately."	::dive-bombed by parakeet while writing a pleading::
"There's really not much in here you can destroy more than yourself. You will learn not to get flustered."	Oh, I don't know, something about my attitude problems and how I am clearly in the wrong profession because I acknowledge my humanity and capacity for error and really could give a shit at how a pleading's margins look.
"It's against company policy to recruit for political organizations."	"Copy this [unsourced, typo-laden, racist, condescending, inaccurate] document so I can distribute it at the Tea Party rally I will be attending while you answer phones."

Holy Epic Win Batman!

This just occurred and had to be shared.  Irrelevant posts by people who didn't get it removed.

My Exciting Saturday Night

• Went through sock drawer and placed all unmatched socks in a plastic bag until it can be determined with certainty that their matches have disappeared.
• Rated pairs of underwear from 1-5 (1s being falling apart and 5 being pristine); threw out all 1s and some 2s, then sorted by occasion in underwear drawer.  Underpants gnome remains to stand guard.
• Moved bathing suit and slips into tank top drawer.
• Reshelved all DVDs.
• Went through "sex drawer"; threw away all expired condoms and organized remaining condoms in a small box by making sure that the condoms with the shortest shelf life are at the top of the box.  Moved condom box to top drawer and now have an extra drawer in nightstand, which may take pressure off the pajama drawers.
• Made a preliminary sweep of top nightstand drawer and threw away things that were obviously trash .
• Threw away some stuff in my junk drawer (including a scrunchie).
• Put away all clean laundry.
• Put all earrings in nightstand in new earring-holding bowl.
• Made a toaster strudel.

Texts From PCP

One of my dearest friends in the world was given the initials "PCP" at birth, which is probably why they don't encourage people in AA to date and marry each other.  The following is a snippet of a text exchange we had:

Her: I am regularly seeing a 43 yo who is in a long term open relationship
Me: Neat.  Sometimes I have cybersex with an emotionally crippled functional alcoholic.
Her: GET AWAY FROM MY DAD!!!
Me: What, he's a priest and I look like an underage kid.  Isn't that the circle of life?

Don't even ask me how it is that her dad managed to become a priest.  Catholicism works in mysterious ways.

Weddings

I have been asked to "save the date" for four motherfucking weddings next year: two of my bffs, my cousin, and a nerd friend whose wedding I predicted and gave proposal advice to.

In light of this and all other wedding talk I am inundated with at this time of year, I have compiled a list which will prove to the reader that if I ever found someone with self-esteem low enough to marry me, I should probably elope or just get a civil partnership.

1. Trying to organize both sides of my family is like trying to herd cats. Some members of my mother's family are not big fans of my father. The members of my mother's family who still like my father would not be pleased that my father would bring his girlfriend while my mother watches the whole thing via the internet at her nursing home 1000s of miles away. Also, some of my siblings (read: both of them) have terrible taste in significant others and would try to inject said significant others into my wedding party. My brother also have two friends who call me "sis". One of these friends has a xerox machine for a uterus and keeps spitting out ginger kids every few years. If my betrothed has a family, this mess may become doubly complicated.
2. I would morph into Bridezilla and cannibalize my entire bridal party in a bloody massacre narrated by Japanese singers chanting an approximation of "Bridezilla" over and over before before being subdued by Robert Smith of The Cure.
3. Speaking of the bridal party, it seems like too political of a decision. I've already had to make agreements with people that we won't be in each other's weddings because it's a hard decision. I also have a lot of male friends I'd like to invite. Unfortunately, I have messed around with many of those male friends in the past and I get the feeling that would be awkward.
4. Seating arrangements at the reception would go like this: "Well, we could put so and so and him together" "Oh yeah, that's a real braintrust by there. Maybe by the time the wedding's over, they will have discovered fire". This would apply to half the combinations of people I could seat together.
5. My hyper-vigilant need to cater to everyone's dietary needs would lead to my head exploding.
6. I was raised as a Unitarian by my Jewish father and my formerly born-again mother. My grandparents are Methodist, at least one set of aunts and uncles are Catholics (along with a cousin-by-marriage), and my brother is an ordained internet minister so he can perform marriages in his LARP group. My father's sister is a lay rabbi and I think my sister's boyfriend wishes he was a Rastafarian judging by the sheer amount of marijuana he consumes every hour. I also have two uncles named Don who are Republicans along with a cousin, appropriately named Dick who shares these views (he also hugs too tight). If any more religions are introduced to this mix, we may as well rename our wedding location "Israel" and prepare for the firebombings. Who the fuck do I get to perform my wedding ceremony in such a climate, especially considering I don't think the Planet of the Apes-themed wedding Mandy was going to do before it was vetoed by her mother would pass muster with any member of my family either.
7. Remember when I mentioned the degree of low self-esteem a man would have to have to marry me? If such a man exists, I would say he is also emotionally dead inside and suffering from at least one mental illness listed in the DSM-IV besides functional alcoholism. Planning a wedding gives him more time for planning an escape.

Possibly more reasons to come at another date. I also have a list of why I shouldn't commit to a long-term relationship in the first place.