News That You Don't Care About

In an effort to make it easier to update my running list of mean names my coworker has called me, I have moved it to its own page.  Now the bar on top looks less empty!  YAY!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Medical Dramas = No Fun

"Yeah, one of my coworkers compared our workplace to 'Grey's Anatomy'. To me, that means 'would be infinitely better and more tolerable with Muppets', but I think he meant 'drama'."

A Request

To any of my tens (ones?) of readers:

OMG NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO INVITE ME TO THEIR WEDDING THIS YEAR.  I AM GOING TO GO BANKRUPT.

Very Truly Yours,


Eris M. Greenberg

Bananas: Proof That Jeebus Hates Eris Greenberg

One of my facebook friends posted the following video:

Well, his was from Google Video, but I digress.  Anyway, I am pretty sure my friend was being facetious, because... you know, bananas are that way through selective cultivation by humans, and if God likes bananas so much, why aren't they ubiquitous and OMG I have to stop.  Also, pineapples.  But let's roll with this for a second.

Eris Motherfucking Greenberg is allergic to bananas.  They make her feel icky and her insides start itching.  I feel like if God created bananas to be awesome for human beings, and God made me allergic to them, God must hate me.  Fuck this God guy.  For serial.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Faking It

"It's like in a hypothetical situation where your friend says their ex is good in bed, and one night you're bored and feeling fat and so you end up hitting said ex, and it turns out to be worse than the next time you have sex, years later, when you had to tell the guy to thrust (which by the way was a statement millions of years of evolution should have prevented me from ever having to make. Not that I just told you a true story or anything. Everything in that last sentence was a lie)."

Five Minute Photoshop Image Generated Specifically to Frighten E-Fizzle (without context)

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Clarification

"I guess by people I mean women, as men don't generally have ladyparts, hence the term men."

Running List: Things I Supposedly Am (according to my whore coworker)

1.) Terrible person (sometimes true)

2.) Stripper (absolutely false)

3.) Whore (No; whores cost money)

4.) Slut (Sluts get laid way more than I do)

5.) Heartbreaker (mostly not true)

6.) The Devil (this was because I made cupcakes since "location accuracy went up" [or in colloquial terms, "Sybil" got fired])
7.) "The Destroyer"
8.) Abaddon (see above)
9.) Children's encyclopedia (you know what, fuck this dude in the ear.)

I feel like this list will be important some day...

Edit: it's strange that my blog is Unholy Cupcakes and someone called me the Devil because I made cupcakes...

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Jokes That No One Should Find Funny That I Keep Repeating

"Yeah, my dad got a Toyota Highlander.  I've driven it a few times; it's nice and I kinda want one.  I guess I can't  get one though, because... THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE."

Stuff Other People Have Said (without context): Eris is not really funny

"Just shut up.  You're done talking.  Go away.  I'm not even sure what's worse: the fact that you MADE that joke or the fact that I found it hilarious."

I Work With 12-Year-Olds. White Ones.

My proof, an actual conversation with B. and G. at work, follows:

Eris: Hey, B., why is it that when I turn the key on this machine, it lights up then goes black?

G.: Because once you go black, you never go back!

A not-rhetorical question

Why are there so many hipsters named Mark?