How to Get Paid to Lose Weight

Because people have actually stopped recognizing me in public due to my drastic weight loss, I have posted my weight loss secrets for all to share in and enjoy.  Honestly, I've been accused of just having tapeworms, but future medical professionals who are way scared of parasites have told me the rate at which I've lost weight isn't quite tapeworm quality.

Oh, if you were curious: I may have weighed as much as 160 pounds, and since I am 5'1, that is a lot.  I blame my weight gain in high school (40 pounds in about a year) on anti-psychotic medications.  The rest of the weight gain started in college and can be blamed on poor diet and lack of exercise, both of which I attribute to depression.

Step One: Spend several years of your life earning a degree after deciding you have no desire to work retail ever again.  Never go to class and graduate by sheer luck.

Step Two: listen to your father's well-meaning advice and go to a career college to learn to do something applicable to real jobs.  Then, when you graduate, you can work for a real-live white supremacist and still never qualify for real jobs once you quit after a nervous breakdown!  Move in with your dad!

Step Three: after briefly moving out-of-state to ruin a friendship, spend the next year getting exactly three interviews before finally giving up and resolving you'll have to go back to retail.

 Step Four: end up working "retail logistics", which is fancy-talk for "running around lifting heavy stuff all day and being hidden from general public".  This will include significant time on ladders if you are under 5'2.

Step Five: because your soul is still dead from job-hunting, continue to work retail for at least three months, still eating the same diet of mainly fat and noms you have been eating since college.  Then your father, whose many experimental diets have included Optifast and something involving beets, will tell you this one day (last part is implied):

 Step Six: wait until your pants stop fitting before weighing yourself, because you stopped paying attention to your weight when your dad insisted you should still weigh 100 pounds like you did at age fifteen.

Success!

Now you too can stop wondering where you will find plus-sized pants in petite sizes!

Good luck!