Best Of...

You know, Creed has a Greatest Hits album.  Nickelback probably does too.  Hell, Milli Vanilli has one.  Now, I do enjoy me some guys with hair extensions lip-syncing to older, less-attractive-yet-more-talented dudes, but come on, Creed and Nickelback?  Everyone knows that their super-group was foretold in Revelations as pissing off Jesus so much he comes downstairs and turns off our music.  I, on the other hand, have occasionally produced some gems.  I am referring to, of course, of this blog's most prolific feature (and least read, according to my stats), "Stuff I Have Said (without context)".  It is with a mix of shock and awe at my own genius that I present to you, my readers: The Best of "Stuff I Have Said (without context)".  This page is forever under construction, because I am forever hilarious.

Hail Satan: "You're like the Voldemort of cock-blocking."

Buffalo Bill: "Life is suffering, friend. Suffering and drunk guys wanting to make suits out of you."

Medical Dramas = No Fun: "Yeah, one of my coworkers compared our workplace to 'Grey's Anatomy'. To me, that means 'would be infinitely better and more tolerable with Muppets', but I think he meant 'drama'."

Clarification: "I guess by people I mean women, as men don't generally have ladyparts, hence the term men."

It's What Plants Crave: "This is why abortion should not only be legal, but compulsory in many cases."

Also, I Look Like Jabba in a Bikini: "I am Carrie Fisher-style crazy, if you replace 'rampant drug abuse' with 'mild Benadryl dependency'."

My Judaism is Showing: "I have thought of nothing but sex and bagels all day, and of the two, bagels are easier to get."

Missing the Point: "The moral of that story is to never send your husband to 7-11 for a pregnancy craving, or he will sell your baby."

More Badass than Cartman: "Whateva, whateva! When I was fifth grade class president, I had affairs with twelve interns and murdered them all! I DO WHUT I WANT!"

Foreign Languages: "Swedish sounds less like the Swedish chef than I have been led to believe. Lying muppets."

My Terrible Eating Habits: "I actually am having a hard time deciding whether, if some dude walked in right now and offered me either sex or Red Robin (not both), I would be able to choose sex and not regret it."