Q: What the hell is wrong with you?
A: This. Also, this, this, this, this, probably this and maybe even this. My mother claims she smoked pot while I was in the womb, which I think explains a lot as well.
Q: Why are you such a bitch?
A: See answer to first question. I also have mother issues and a low tolerance for stupid people.
Q: How do you remember [insert random insignificant event that happened in the distant past] so well?
A: I wish I knew. I don't claim to have an eidetic memory, as I have blocked out things like the time my mother, grandmother and I went to wine country and my mother got drunk and bitched out my grandmother. I can, however, remember TV commercials from my childhood, exact lines from movies I haven't seen in years, phone numbers of people I never call anymore, and the origin of every single item in my closet down to approximate year of purchase. I should be studied.
Q: Where do you meet all these crazy people?
A: My first instinct is to say "public school", but that's a lie because many crazy people I have met I attended private schools with. I think that because of my quirks, I tend to attract weirder people, many of whom are pathological liars and take advantage of my trusting nature. Oh, and gifted camp, but those people are generally crazy in the good way.
Q: You are afraid of strange things. Why?
A: My mother let me watch 20/20 before I was old enough to understand journalism. I also have watched way too many crime dramas, and at gifted camp, we had a class on serial killers, where our instructor showed us pictures of Ed Gein's furniture. As for the ocean, have you READ about anglerfish? How the fuck is that not terrifying? How the fuck is any of it not terrifying? Dolphins are sociopathic gang rapists. Sharks are prehistoric killing machines. Jellyfish sting. Octopodes are terrifyingly cunning.
Q: Why don't you blog under your real name?
A: In case you haven't noticed, I make fun of a lot of things, including people I work with, the people who shop where I work, my former employer, and people I am acquainted with/used to be friends with. Even though defamation is pretty hard to prove (remember, truth is an absolute defense to defamation, and my blog is not filled with lies or pictures of also-lies), I would rather not go there. Also, if some of the people I mock on this blog knew I was mocking them, they would throw emo hissy fits that are actually
Q: Why do you think you are Jewish? You are clearly not considering you blog about attending a Unitarian church.
A: I grew up in a pretty Jewish area, first of all. Therefore, I identify pretty strongly with all things Jew. Additionally, since leaving the motherland, I have grown closer to my father's family, who are all pretty Jewish. Thirdly, wouldn't you feel Jewish if people kept calling you a Jew day after day, week after week, year after year, decade after decade? But most importantly: Because fuck you! That's why.
Q: Are you sure you're a woman?
A: Judging from the amount of money I spent per annum on "feminine hygiene products", I would say yes. I just no longer have any desire to be nice or open with my emotions. Also, I am getting old and no longer have any time to wait for guys who won't progress beyond hugs after date three.
Q: Which club do you work at?
A: You are obviously one of my coworkers, and I don't know how you found this blog, but the whole "stripper" thing is getting old. I don't quite have the body image for exotic dancing, nor do I have coordination or the daddy issues. Go die in a fire.
