Stuff I Have Said (Without Context): Perfect Strangers With Awful Beards

"He looks the part.  I will be the FBI to his David Koresh."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Chubby Chasin'

"I need a fat boyfriend to exploit for body heat.  I could probably hide snacks in his fat folds.  Nothing that would melt, just trail mix, or beef jerky."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): America, FUCK YEAH!

"Like America, Eris Greenberg has taken out her trash."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Bitches, Who May or May Not Know Nothing 'Bout Ellipses

"Australia may have animals that can kill you, but we have nukes that will kill you faster."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Things That Make Me a Sad Panda

"I need a new job working with a bunch of catty homosexuals."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Zombie Apocalypse Readiness Issues

"I mean, Little House on the Prairie made this shit seem complicated."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hey, Could You Get That?

"How many Xs need to come before the L in your suspender size?"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Secret Cats and Other Travesties

You know, there are days where I would like to unionize just to be able to threaten to strike.  But then I think to myself that my father did not somehow injure his back and fail his draft phyisical for Vietnam, freeing him from having to flee to Israel to avoid service, just so I could become a Communist.  My mother probably gave birth to me specifically for this reason though.  Hm, what to do?

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hail Satan!

"You're like the Voldemort of cock-blocking."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Buffalo Bill

"Life is suffering, friend. Suffering and drunk guys wanting to make suits out of you."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Mock Persecution Complex

"Do you really think I have the kind of business savvy needed for my own business? If yes, I feel that is an ethnic stereotype."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Hair is Now Full of Secrets!

"Yeah, I hand out comment cards."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Medical Dramas = No Fun

"Yeah, one of my coworkers compared our workplace to 'Grey's Anatomy'. To me, that means 'would be infinitely better and more tolerable with Muppets', but I think he meant 'drama'."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Faking It

"It's like in a hypothetical situation where your friend says their ex is good in bed, and one night you're bored and feeling fat and so you end up hitting said ex, and it turns out to be worse than the next time you have sex, years later, when you had to tell the guy to thrust (which by the way was a statement millions of years of evolution should have prevented me from ever having to make. Not that I just told you a true story or anything. Everything in that last sentence was a lie)."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Clarification

"I guess by people I mean women, as men don't generally have ladyparts, hence the term men."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Jokes That No One Should Find Funny That I Keep Repeating

"Yeah, my dad got a Toyota Highlander.  I've driven it a few times; it's nice and I kinda want one.  I guess I can't  get one though, because... THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Puns

"My hair is so naturally straight it scores a 0 on the Kinsey Scale!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Too Sexy!

"It's like a rain dance!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Debate Nostalgia

"Yeah, I've got your core values right here."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Reasons to Keep Me Off the Sales Floor

"You should have just given her a disc for 1000 free hours of AOL and left it at that."