Eris Greenberg's Guide to Online Dating

Online dating is a lot like teenage suicide: don't do it.  Seriously, meet people any other way: through coworkers, through people you knew and kind of didn't like in college, let your dad try to force you on dates with random dudes he met at a Christmas party, or even try socializing and meeting people with similar interests or hobbies.  Online dating will make you hate humanity and look forward to your life as a cat lady/dude, or, if you are like Eris Greenberg and super allergic to cats, you will just drink more wine and get a resin tyrannosaurus head for your living room.

Dr. Malcolm has since lost his license to practice obstetrics.

If that hasn't convinced you that your life will be infinitely more awesome without a spouse telling you what to do, or if it has made you even more afraid of being in your very, very, very late twenties and never being in a serious relationship, here are some tips for how to successfully master the art of online dating, from someone who is super hot and awesome and will probably never respond to your online dating messages unless you follow the tips after the jump.