Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hey, Could You Get That?

"How many Xs need to come before the L in your suspender size?"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Secret Cats and Other Travesties

You know, there are days where I would like to unionize just to be able to threaten to strike.  But then I think to myself that my father did not somehow injure his back and fail his draft phyisical for Vietnam, freeing him from having to flee to Israel to avoid service, just so I could become a Communist.  My mother probably gave birth to me specifically for this reason though.  Hm, what to do?

Prevalent Spelling and Usage Errors I Do Not Understand

• "Definate" (as opposed to definite)-- it's a short 'i' at the end.  If you're having trouble, just remember that it ends in "finite", which is a number that is quantifiable, or... definite.
• "Pregnate" (as opposed to pregnant)-- who says "pregnate" when they talk?  I have never heard anyone talk like this, and I know sometimes the spelling is used when peeps are trolling for the lulz, but I've seen it used on facebook by dumb people too.  Considering how often some of these people breed, you'd think they could spell it.
• Apostrophe misuse and abuse-- I remember a long time ago, I advocated for taking away the apostrophe in the English language until people learned how to use it.  Uh, apparently people are taking me seriously, because I am starting to see the word "im" instead of "I'm".  I try not to be a snob about capitalization. but come on.
• "Wut" (as opposed to "what")-- If I pronounce the word "what" like "wut", I am mocking someone, probably someone very specific.  Is it really that hard to type out what?  I mean, H and A are in the home row if you're typing with QWERTY.  If you're typing in Dvorak, I doubt you use "wut" because you are too busy being awesome, or possibly one-handed AND awesome.
• "U" and "UR" (as opposed to "you", "your" and "you're")-- this is okay in a text message once in a while when you need to save letters.  Fuck you for using them in any other context.  I am more comfortable with people using "J"s and "I"s interchangeably than the usage of "UR".  Isn't Ur like... somewhere in the Bible?

To be continued...

Insomnia Chronicles: The 'Y' Files

You know, it's appropriate that the first letter of this post begins with the letter 'y'.  Many things that keep me up involve 'y' and its homophones.  Here are two of them:

Name the seven countries that end in the letter 'y': I cannot always remember them and it bothers me.  For reference, they are Uruguay, Paraguay, Norway, Turkey, Germany, Italy and... yes, that's right, I always forget one of them, besides Uruguay and Paraguay.  This time I had to look up Hungary.  Thanks, four years of middle school Spanish, for making me "the tits" (to use the vernacular) at Central and South American geography.

The Letter People: I began kindergarten at some point between 1972 and 1990, which means I watched THE LETTER PEOPLE as a part of my taxpayer-supported education.  You know, "come and meet the letter people..."

No?  Well then, you're an ignorant slut.  You probably don't get that one either.  Anyway, here is a clip:

According to the internet, the rights to the Letter People went to someone else and they turned the Letter People all PC, so they no longer make references to junk food and there are more women and problem-solving skills. However, BACK IN MY DAY (to be heard in your head all kinds of curmudgeon-like, which incidentally is one of my favorite words), all the constants were Mister _ (i.e. Mister M, with the Munching Mouth), and all the vowels were Miss _ (Miss O was Obstinate!).  I moved in the middle of kindergarten and missed a couple of episodes.  To this day, I am perplexed at how they managed to reconcile Y sometimes being a vowel with this gender scheme.  Was Mr. Y a hermaphrodite?  I think Y being a drag queen would be more appropriate.  In Eris Greenberg's gritty reboot of the Letter People, RuPaul will be Y.  It is more fun to complain than simply watch old videos, FYI.

Differences Between Soulless Evil Corporations and Small Business, Part II

About two months after I started my current job, I wrote this post.  Now that I have been at my current job eight months (two months more than the other job referred to in that post), I bring you some more comparisons:

Retail	Office
Receive memos from corporate with words like "isle" in place of "aisle". New (micro)manager doesn't know how to use apostrophes. In a workplace of 175+ people, exactly three people are both aware of these mistakes and are bothered by them	"This memo has five mistakes. I circled two. Find the other three." After an hour and a half of getting paid $14 an hour to find the third mistake, I discovered that apparently stylistic choices count as mistakes.
"You know, if we talked this way at a real job, or even out on the floor, we'd probably get fired." (in reference to things my female friends cannot believe my male coworkers and I say to each other, even with context)	Almost got fired for using up-speak and talking with my hands.
in a calm, droning, almost-Lundburghian voice: "This is considered a warning. I am recording this conversation... so, no big deal, just stop doing it."	"Give me one good reason I shouldn't fire you right now! I mean, how many chances do YOU give people?"
Employee of the Week	Employee Not the Target of Employer's Wrath of the Week
"Well, go to the ER and get checked out. This is why we pay into worker's comp."	"Worker's compensation is a Communist conspiracy."
"Damn it, a bird got in here again. Anyone got a pellet gun?"	"Now now, birdie, don't divebomb my employees ::cackle::
"Wow, it was like watching someone crash a champagne fountain, only better. Good work, Abbadon."--after destroying over $100 worth of merchandise	"These are people's LIVES you're talking about. Maybe you're in the wrong profession!"--after I allegedly missed the point of a case I cited in a motion that my attorney only decided to file after I caught a possible error because, well shit, someone's life was at stake dudes.
"Just remember dude: this is a job, not a career. Unless you're [name of coworker who is an enemy of fun]."	Damn it, that was supposed to be my career.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hail Satan!

"You're like the Voldemort of cock-blocking."