Stuff I Have Said (without context): Why Do I Speculate About Such Things?

"He is someone I could probably freezer-rape because there's no real size difference. I just wouldn't want to."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Oh, and I am not a stripper either

"The state of our work area right now is a passive-aggressive testament to the effort it took me not to straight up murder our new coworker.  Have fun tomorrow, dude!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Cinema

"I can't look at you right now!  No one born during the Reagan Administration has any excuse for never seeing the movie 'Wayne's World'."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Pwned

"I'm sitting there too... well, it's the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.  I am like an electron and you cannot predict whether I am sitting in this chair or that chair... well what are you going to do, invent Heisenberg compensators like on Star Trek?  EXPLAIN HOW THAT TECHNOLOGY WORKS!"

I am smarter without sleep.

Insomnia Chronicles: Chimera

Theory re: dude-like qualities. I had a twin in utero that was male. Mom smoking pot gave me the munchies and I ate my twin, giving me his DNA and dude powers.

Sharktopus won't be kept at bay!

I was Angler Sharktopus for Halloween, but the pictures turned out bad.  Apparently Blogger realized this, because check these nachos out:

Uh, yes.  Yes that does look like a shark dorsal fin!

The shape occurs during the period I was wearing my costume.  COINCIDENCE?

Because No Event is Too Sacred For a South Park Reference

Possibly, maybe, this is a real picture of "Eris Greenberg" and her icky mouth.

Girl Power!!!

Angler Fish Spice was the sixth Spice Girl but Simon thought it was too obscure and controversial.

A Get Well Card For Erica, Who Should Stay Away from SeeSaws/Teetertotters

So... the reason the angler fish is a bitch is because there is no way that is a male angler fish.  Male angler fish, as they mature into adulthood, become parasites attached to females and eventually atrophy into little more than a pair of gonads that exist solely to impregnate the host angler fish.  GIRL POWER!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Judaism is Showing

"I have thought of nothing but sex and bagels all day, and of the two, bagels are easier to get."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): They Both End in A I guess

"Also, I am glad you think I celebrate Kwanzaa. It means you think I'm black. And since everyone else thinks I am a dude, I must have a big penis, so yay for me!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Fun Fun Fun in the Sun Sun Sun

"Erica, if you do not know about Mr. Flibble and his hex vision, that is not my problem. That is something you should have learned about from PBS as a child."

Stuff A-Train Has Said (without context)

"Tofuck you!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Secret Rulers of the World

"You know why conspiracy theories are wrong?  One of my great-grandfathers was a Mason, two of them were Jewish, and one of them was a descendant of the white dudes who settled this country.  According to conspiracy theories, I should be running the show here."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Missing the Point

"The moral of that story is to never send your husband to 7-11 for a pregnancy craving, or he will sell your baby."

How to Get Paid to Lose Weight

Because people have actually stopped recognizing me in public due to my drastic weight loss, I have posted my weight loss secrets for all to share in and enjoy.  Honestly, I've been accused of just having tapeworms, but future medical professionals who are way scared of parasites have told me the rate at which I've lost weight isn't quite tapeworm quality.

Oh, if you were curious: I may have weighed as much as 160 pounds, and since I am 5'1, that is a lot.  I blame my weight gain in high school (40 pounds in about a year) on anti-psychotic medications.  The rest of the weight gain started in college and can be blamed on poor diet and lack of exercise, both of which I attribute to depression.

It's Not Really a Rhetorical Question

Today for some reason, I have repeatedly found myself wondering "are we human?  Or are we dancer?"

I just remembered my cousin's wedding.  I am definitely human.

Grrr, Raymond. Play someone else for once!

No matter what time it is, Ray Romano is on at least one channel. When will TV understand that not everybody loves Raymond?

The Beginnings of a Developing Drinking Problem

I was about five seconds from stabbing everyone today.  Literally, everyone.  Click the cut for a comic depiction of my new coping mechanism.

Things My Dad Says on the Phone (without context)

"Well, I've been taking the iron pills, but I might have to take a stool softener."

 My dad officially = old.

I Win! The internet says so!

I mentioned this earlier, but even STFU Conservatives agrees that my relative needs to STFU: http://stfuconservatives.tumblr.com/post/1526532017

Stuff I Have Said (without context): wasting leftover lunch money and clay

"Hello, I'm Satan!  Would you like to sell your soul to me for a DOLLAR?"

Scary things

Words that should strike terror into the hearts of all: RTD instruction bus.

Why you should be posting comments on my blog

Look at all the fun you could be having:

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Duct Tape

"I occasionally think of that pudding and all that could have been."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Eye Strain

"Fetal Crash is my new band name, A-train. I made it up with my own poor vision so you cannot steal that name or our unique alt-country crunk sound."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): More Badass than Cartman

"Whateva, whateva! When I was fifth grade class president, I had affairs with twelve interns and murdered them all! I DO WHUT I WANT!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): low-tech solutions

"Thanks to canned air, my computer is now walking on sunshine."

Another card, dripping with sincerity. Gross.