Stuff I have said (without context): Punctuation Abuse

"The hyphen is the new apostrophe."

Stuff I have said (without context): Gender Parity

"I got in trouble for being topless in Ohio when I was four.  My dad and my brother both took their shirts off outside and I did the same.  Keep in mind, I was four, so out of the three of us I had the smallest breasts."

Stuff I have said (without context): Jack London

"All his work is a metaphor for robot unicorns."

Stuff I have said (without context): Whores

"To at least one of my college roommates, venereal diseases were like Pokemon-- gotta catch 'em all."

Comments are GO!!

OMG I turned off comment moderation!  Let's make my blog comments section more fun than a game of loaded questions!

The World is Trying to Kill Me: The Freezer (part 2 of...)

Today my supervisor told me that I was being offered a position once seasonal ended.  Unfortunately, my position didn't have any hours, so I'm being offered one... in the freezer.  As I said I'd take it, remembering spending 7 days a week watching Law and Order reruns on the couch, the following music began softly playing in my head:



Still, it is better than being divebombed by the evil parakeet.

Growing Up UU: Picking Fights with Imams at Age 12

I'm a feminist.  I come from a family where the women are as educated or more educated than the men, and the only thing I was ever told I couldn't do based on my gender was drive a stick shift, which I can so... yeah, fuck you.

In my last GU^3, I discussed the 6th grade RE curriculum, where we visited various religious centers.  I've already told my Born-Again story, and the only thing memorable about the Buddhist temple was that it smelled, oddly, like Corn Flakes.  I did not go to the synagogue because I had something for Girl Scouts that night and to me, synagogue was a place to catch up on my Boxcar Children during my cousin's bat mitzvah ceremony.  That is, approximately, how much respect my mother has for Judaism/my dad's family.

Anyway, we also went to a mosque, which was really interesting for a couple of reasons:

1. It was a Sunday.  There was no one there besides the imam.
2. Mosques are BEAUTIFUL.  Plush carpet, marble, indoor fountains... our church was built in 1867-ish.  The furniture probably dated back to that time.
3. The moms leading the field trip actually deferred to another religion and wore headscarves.  I think some of us were asked if we needed them too, but I sure as hell didn't and I don't think any of the other girls would have admitted to having their period yet.

So, we were in a library and the imam was talking about women in Islam and I started asking questions.  I feel kind of bad in retrospect, but I think I learned a lot and I appreciated the imam's patience with me.  That imam's patience and calm when dealing with my fiery pro-woman rhetoric cemented my impression of American Muslims as people who put up with a lot of shit.  I have nothing but respect for them, and I think years later, the experience and my behavior made it easier for me to deal with religious leaders that can maintain a reasonable dialogue for questions.  Wow, that wasn't actually funny.  FAIL.

Insomnia Chronicles: Confidential to Patience

I have two words for you:

MR. SCRAGGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Stuff I have said (without context): OCD

"I should be Sharktopus for Halloween.  How can I turn that into something slutty?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Poor Understanding of Colorado Gun Laws

"Well dude, they did send me to the ER.  Essentially, they "made my day", and in Colorado, that allows me to shoot them."

Growing Up UU: Testify!

As I may have mentioned in this blog before, my father is Jewish and my mother was raised in various Protestant denominations and is somewhat of an anti-Semite (she also hates Catholics, to be fair).  As a compromise (or something), they sent my older brother, my younger sister and I to a Unitarian church.  When I was really little, I had no idea what that meant.  I regularly confused my church with the Mormons who advertised on TV.  Now I understand that being a Unitarian in Cleveland in the 1980s and '90s meant that you were the product of an interfaith marriage.  I was one of the only kids in my Sunday School class whose parents had the same unhyphenated last name.  As a result, I have some humorous anecdotes.  Here is one:

As part of the sixth grade RE (religious education) curriculum, we went to a bunch of different religious centers, including a Buddhist temple, a mosque, a synagogue, and what the teachers told us was a "Born-Again" church.  To highlight how much we were told about this church, I didn't realize until about age 14 or so that it was "Born-Again" and not "Bornagin", like some kind of Irish surname a la "Finnegan".  Anyway, I remember gathering in the parking lot and one of our teachers saying the following (artist's depiction of UU Sunday School teacher follows):

There will be a part of the service where they ask you to come up and get saved.  If any of you go up there, we will all be going home and explaining to your parents what you did.

Now, for the uninitiated, this may, at first glance, seem like our heathen instructor was trying to prevent us from accepting the love of Jesus.  However, in reality, our teachers knew that we would all go up and get saved just for the lulz.  This was years before there was a name for lulz, but I am pretty sure UU Sunday School kids invented lulz.  More stories of lulz to come later.

Stuff I have said (without context): Expatriation

"Who fucking cares? People hunt elves there, their president is an open lesbian, and you're listed in the phone book by your first name."

Spammers Finally Know How to Get My Attention

Observe:

Stuff I have said (without context): Patience is a pancreas

"I mean, fuck, you have always been good at selling shit. Your sales pitch for your Mexican amusement park beat Ian hugging trees."

Stuff I have said (without context): Nintendo Cereal

"So, to recap, I remember a commercial jingle from when I was four. Really, why is no one experimenting on me?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Laziness

"Why does going to Arby's require clothes?"

Stuff I have said (without context): Iceland

"I just quoted Mighty Ducks. That really just happened."

Stuff I have said (without context): Dancing

"We need to start trolling Christian groups to bring back the minuet."

Stuff I have said (without context): bathrooms

"Not that you can get AIDS from a toilet seat, but if you could, this one would be like the Broad Street Pump."

Stuff I have said (without context): Malls

"Joe is to that mall what Pedobear is to the internet."

Stuff I have said (without context): Hazardous Work

"Dude, I think being Mel Gibson's personal Jew Whipping Girl would be less hazardous."

Stuff I have said (without context): Karma

"Yeah, I think the Freezer Mafia is out to get us for all those times we mocked them in Loaded Questions. They are made in China, after all."

Boob Injuries: Name Tag + Ladder

At work, our name tags pin on.  Here is why that is bad:

At least I do not need to wear a water bra.

The World is Trying to Kill Me: The Freezer

I work in retail.  We have a frozen food section.  Mainly this means I get to enjoy a 10% discount on ice cream.  This also means that in the course of my day, I get to deal with... A WALK-IN FREEZER.

Because of how many times I have stared death in the face in this freezer, I have personified it.

Sometimes it allows ice to accumulate on its floor:

 
Other times it gives me an asthma attack just going in there:

Then this one time I had to go in through a different entrance and I cut my hand on the handle:

But today it decided to just rain containers of vanilla ice cream on me:

I really should look into life insurance.  Do they cover malicious freezer deaths?

Stuff I have said (without context): Lady Issues

"I am getting cock-blocked by my own cervix."

Stuff I have said (without context): Revenge

"Remember, I am only thinking of the children."

Stuff I have said (without context): Animal Literacy

"That top-hat cat probably reads.  Not corgis." 

Stuff I have said (without context): Poles

"OMG WHO IS MAKING FUN OF POLES? Who would do such a thing??"

Why I Hate Birthdays: #7

So, first of all, I turned seven right before first grade, if the fact that I have poor motor skills to this day didn't immediately tip you off that I started kindergarten late.  We were supposed to go to this kid's amusement park, but of course everything had to get rearranged when the interchangeable pediatrician (seriously, there were like a million dudes in the practice and my mother never cared which one I saw) told me I had strep and gave me an injection of antibiotics in my behind for my birthday.  I did not have the massive amounts of padding there that I do now and (unlike when I got the same antibiotic and steroid shot to treat my strep/thrush/mono/awesome hallucinations disease years later) it really, really hurt.  At least I got my birthday present early.

Stuff I have said (without context): Love

"If I had a dollar for every time a straight guy said he loved me and meant it, I would have no dollars.  If I had a dollar for every time a gay guy said he loved me, I would no longer need to live at home."

Boob Injuries: Eczema

No, I will not be posting pictures.

Boob Injuries: Duct Tape

Boob Injuries: Pre-School

:

Boob Injuries: Marching Band

Absolutely, 100% true story.

Why I Hate Birthdays: #s 14, 15, and 17

This next one is actually really sad.

Why I Hate Birthdays: #20

Why I Hate Birthdays: #25

My 25th birthday, illustrated.

Stuff I have said (without context): Heritage

"I am at the DMV with 100 numbers ahead of me because I did not want to pay an extra fee.  I am either Jewish, masochistic, or both."

My vote is on both.  It didn't help that THE HOTTEST GUY EVER was at the DMV reading H.P. Lovecraft and I was way too nervous to talk to him.  I sound creepy when I talk to men, even when I am not trying to pick them up.  I think my birthday buddy was a little weirded out by the suggestion we go to the DMV together, for example.

Stuff I have said (without context): Vegetables

"If I were a vegetable, I would be Terri Schiavo."

Thanks for reminding me of this one, A-Train!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Kissing

"Have you ever been kissed and it feels like he's sucking all the breath out of your body? Do not answer yes if it is because he was choking you."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Brother

"However, now my brother IS creepy and with 20% more man-tit."

Why I Hate Birthdays: #16

At some point within the next week, I will be turning old.  Here is an illustration of why I do not enjoy birthdays, which may become one in a series:

Oh, the purple thing is a feather boa.  True story.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): URLs

"I should find a way to make a URL shortening thing that makes everything look like a RickRoll."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Accents

"I'm sure if you were fucking The Situation, he'd know what you were saying."

On Working For a Soulless, Evil Corporation versus a Small Business Owner

I am using my bachelor's degree and post-bachelor's professional certificate to work in retail.  My dad thinks being covered in bruises and wanting to chop my feet off by the end of a shift will make me want to go back to work in an office.  The following chart contrasts my experiences working for a large retail chain versus working in an office with less than five employees total.

Retail	Office
"Please make sure to bring a driver's license and your social security card to the orientation".	"You look white enough, but the gub'ment insists!"
"We value diversity."	"The only thing Muslims have ever done in their entire history is try to kill the Jews, and now they're after us too."
"We take sexual harassment very seriously."	"No boobs in court."
"You need to clock out for lunch if you're here for more than five hours. We don't want to get fined by OSHA."	"What do you mean 'when can I take my lunch?' That is the rudest thing any employee has ever said to me. What is the problem with your generation anyway?"
"Great, you can read. Here's the keys to some heavy machinery that, if operated improperly, could kill someone."	"Why did you use a serial comma? Unlearn everything your *public education* taught you!"
"Well, you were supposed to be here at 2 AM, not 2 PM. Whatever, they could use you in back."	"Why did you fail to mail a [non-time sensitive] letter like I asked you to yesterday? Do you have any idea how upsetting it was to leave the office at 10pm and find that letter on the front desk?"
"If you want to bring your iPod, that's fine. Just keep one earbud out while you work."	"I'm going to listen to 'Rush' and 'Sean' and 'Glen' all day because they are truth-tellers."
"Don't touch hazardous materials and alert your superiors of health or safety hazards immediately."	::dive-bombed by parakeet while writing a pleading::
"There's really not much in here you can destroy more than yourself. You will learn not to get flustered."	Oh, I don't know, something about my attitude problems and how I am clearly in the wrong profession because I acknowledge my humanity and capacity for error and really could give a shit at how a pleading's margins look.
"It's against company policy to recruit for political organizations."	"Copy this [unsourced, typo-laden, racist, condescending, inaccurate] document so I can distribute it at the Tea Party rally I will be attending while you answer phones."

Holy Epic Win Batman!

This just occurred and had to be shared.  Irrelevant posts by people who didn't get it removed.