Stuff I Have Said (without context): The Land Without Feelings

"...I hate feelings and rainbows and all things happy. Wow, that sounds like a Care Bear villain speech."

And speaking of Care Bear villains...

Stuff I have said (without context): Making Grandma Happy

"Jason Schwartzman.  Now THERE is a name I can bring home to my grandmother."

Stuff Patience has said (without context): Questionable Sexual Judgment Lifetime Achievement Award

"She can have that award. I hear it makes a great crack pipe if it's held sideways."

Insomnia Chronicles: Fun I Wish I Could Have

I have the following conversation with customers about 8 times a day while working:

The hovering green sign above the angry dude is a pretty good representation of our actual bread sign's location during this conversation, PS. 

Lately, I have begun to think that illiteracy and laziness should not be rewarded.

At Aisle Z28 (not an aisle name based on reality):

People who cannot find bread in an aisle marked bread really, REALLY need to not breed, so I consider it a public service to direct them towards family planning aides.  Too bad this would be the consequence:

Yes, that is supposed to be fire, representing my firing.  Shut up about my poor drawing skills.  At least I can fucking read, bitches! 

Stuff I have said (without context): Captain Obvious

"Do I love Lifetime movies a little more than I should, considering my intellectual ability? Is there pot growing somewhere in Boulder County?"

Stuff I have said (without context): My brother's man-tits

"I hope his vasectomy doesn't reverse itself like his breast-reduction."

Growing Up UU: The High School Youth Group

One of the few places my brother belonged as a teen (besides away from public view) was in the youth group at our church.  It was a colorful cast of characters.  In fact, at least one member appeared on Maury Povich.  Now, UU youth groups are almost always full of oddlings: the last one I attended formulated a plan to "gutter punk it" for a week. 

Anyway, "as a joke" (again, UU kids invented lulz) one evening, the youth group my brother attended decided to leave condoms and pot all over the youth group room.  A letter went out in the church bulletin the next week about how the youth group was suspended and how disappointed the congregation was in them. 

Years later, it was determined by my siblings and I that this disappointment stemmed from all that pot going to waste.

Stuff I have said (without context): My brother's tattoos

"I know some people who are getting wedding ring tats.  You should not do this if you get married because it will probably say 'hooker' in Farsi."

Stuff I have said (without context): Career Plans

"Just FYI: I have decided that we should open a cheese shop/bordello. Perhaps there are hallucinogens burning in the giant fire in Boulder."

From the Archives: Questions Regarding Proposed Amendment 62

Dug this up from my old blog's archive file.  Two years ago, Prop 48 in Colorado failed by a wide margin.  Today, the same assholes are running Prop 62, which is the same amendment with new wording.  I have the same questions for these douches now as I did back then:
 

1.) Can I drive in the carpool lane if I'm pregnant?  Technically, I have a passenger.
2.) Will women coming to this country illegally to have anchor babies have their "pre-born" child declared an illegal immigrant too?  I bet Tom Tancredo'd totally back me on this one.
3.) Can I start throwing my kid a conception day party?  This would serve the dual purpose of celebrating the beginning of my child's life and reminding my husband to check all condoms for pinholes.
4.) Considering that many pro-life types say that birth control is an abortifacient, will birth control be criminalized?  If so, will the government pay for all 18 of my children to have health care and college educations?  After all, if I can't get birth control, the only contraceptive I have access to is shame about expressing my sexual desires.  And condoms.  But who likes condoms?
5.) Can a man sue a woman on behalf of their "pre-born" child because like... the woman is doing something he doesn't think is in the "pre-born" child's best interest?  I am not just talking crack here, folks.  Caffeine is bad for pregnant women.  So is tuna fish.  And there seem to be carcinogens lurking around every corner.
6.) If human life begins at conception, does that include animal life too?  If so, can we start screaming at vegetarians who eat eggs that they are no better than Conor Oberst and his piscatarian emo ass?  (don't I already do this?)
7.) Will it eventually get to the point that I have to get wi-fi for my uterus?
8.) Will the government begin systematically rounding up wire coat hangers like they are Joan Crawford?
9.) Can I charge my "pre-born" child's father a fee for the renting of my uterus?
10.) If this proposal is about giving the "pre-born" equal civil rights, then why are politicians not as concerned with the Equal Rights Amendment?
11.) Are my children going to eventually invade Russia for their "genocide" against the "pre-born" (105 abortions for every 100 live births, folks)?  If so, will my cupcake/masturbation-centric religion be government-recognized in time to give them a religious excuse to get out of it?
12.) Can I get in trouble for being verbally abusive to my "pre-born" child?
13.) Do gay "pre-born" children get equal civil rights?
14.) Most importantly, can I argue the "Make My Day" law in defense to having an abortion?  My thought is that... in some abortion situations, it's either abort the baby or we both go down together. 

Until the Right can show me how they plan to prevent me from abusing the carpool lane by faking hysterical pregnancy (and how this amendment won't take away my rights to my own body), I am voting NO on Prop 62.  Please join me, Colorado! 

Insomnia Chronicles: Being in a Band

So, I came to the realization that many men are up to their eyeballs in women solely because they are in bands.  I mean, I was second-chair cymbalist in marching band during my sophomore year of high school, and I was *at least* tit-deep in women back then.  Too bad I lean too far towards heterosexual to have taken advantage of that fact.

Stuff I have said (without context): My Terrible Eating Habits

"I actually am having a hard time deciding whether, if some dude walked in right now and offered me either sex or Red Robin (not both), I would be able to choose sex and not regret it."

Stuff Patience has said (without context)

"Hey we could go home, but... that troll is out of butter!! We must help him butter his muffins! That's what the Federation is about! I mean seriously. That bitch would do anything not to go home. It's like people still remembered the Federation xmas party where she took off her top and everyone saw she had a 3rd nipple, or something."

Stuff I have said (without context): Ninja Escape Cats

"I wholeheartedly support marking that beast."

Stuff I have said (without context): Rocky Mountain Showdown

"Well, let's face it: CSU just doesn't have the budget to slip enough girls GHB for the recruits like CU does."

Insomnia Chronicles: Handwriting

Today for a brief moment I thought that my handwriting would look more intimidating if I began dotting my lowercase "i"s with little hearts.  It may take too much effort to retrain myself to do this, much like it would take too much effort to re-learn how to write  in cursive.  Supposedly they changed cursive writing so there are no longer all the fun loops and bubbles, and in some versions the Q no longer looks like a misshapen 2.  Why bother changing it at this point, says I?  We have computers now. 

Handwriting was by far the worst class in elementary school, PS, although at least I am not from a country that uses hanzi in writing.  I have been told by professors that my handwriting in Chinese is so bad that in Asia, I would have been beaten.  This assumes that I wouldn't have been one of Asia's "missing girls", which would have been probable considering I have an older brother.  Then again, the way he turned out, I am sure my hypothetical Asian parents would have often wondered what might have been.  

Stuff I have said (without context): Overpopulation

"Michelle Duggar's cavernous womb causes naught but sorrow."

Texts I Should Never Have To Send

"Please tell the big red machine her child's genitals do not belong on facebook.  It's better coming from you as you are a parent."

Insomnia Chronicles: Late Night TV

So, seriously, who actually liked Becker enough that it's on five times a day?