Stuff I Have Said (without context): America, FUCK YEAH!

"Like America, Eris Greenberg has taken out her trash."

Uncalled For Stuff My Coworker has Said (without context)

"It drinks up more semen than you do on a Friday night."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Bitches, Who May or May Not Know Nothing 'Bout Ellipses

"Australia may have animals that can kill you, but we have nukes that will kill you faster."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Things That Make Me a Sad Panda

"I need a new job working with a bunch of catty homosexuals."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Zombie Apocalypse Readiness Issues

"I mean, Little House on the Prairie made this shit seem complicated."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hey, Could You Get That?

"How many Xs need to come before the L in your suspender size?"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Secret Cats and Other Travesties

You know, there are days where I would like to unionize just to be able to threaten to strike.  But then I think to myself that my father did not somehow injure his back and fail his draft phyisical for Vietnam, freeing him from having to flee to Israel to avoid service, just so I could become a Communist.  My mother probably gave birth to me specifically for this reason though.  Hm, what to do?

Prevalent Spelling and Usage Errors I Do Not Understand

• "Definate" (as opposed to definite)-- it's a short 'i' at the end.  If you're having trouble, just remember that it ends in "finite", which is a number that is quantifiable, or... definite.
• "Pregnate" (as opposed to pregnant)-- who says "pregnate" when they talk?  I have never heard anyone talk like this, and I know sometimes the spelling is used when peeps are trolling for the lulz, but I've seen it used on facebook by dumb people too.  Considering how often some of these people breed, you'd think they could spell it.
• Apostrophe misuse and abuse-- I remember a long time ago, I advocated for taking away the apostrophe in the English language until people learned how to use it.  Uh, apparently people are taking me seriously, because I am starting to see the word "im" instead of "I'm".  I try not to be a snob about capitalization. but come on.
• "Wut" (as opposed to "what")-- If I pronounce the word "what" like "wut", I am mocking someone, probably someone very specific.  Is it really that hard to type out what?  I mean, H and A are in the home row if you're typing with QWERTY.  If you're typing in Dvorak, I doubt you use "wut" because you are too busy being awesome, or possibly one-handed AND awesome.
• "U" and "UR" (as opposed to "you", "your" and "you're")-- this is okay in a text message once in a while when you need to save letters.  Fuck you for using them in any other context.  I am more comfortable with people using "J"s and "I"s interchangeably than the usage of "UR".  Isn't Ur like... somewhere in the Bible?

To be continued...

Insomnia Chronicles: The 'Y' Files

You know, it's appropriate that the first letter of this post begins with the letter 'y'.  Many things that keep me up involve 'y' and its homophones.  Here are two of them:

Name the seven countries that end in the letter 'y': I cannot always remember them and it bothers me.  For reference, they are Uruguay, Paraguay, Norway, Turkey, Germany, Italy and... yes, that's right, I always forget one of them, besides Uruguay and Paraguay.  This time I had to look up Hungary.  Thanks, four years of middle school Spanish, for making me "the tits" (to use the vernacular) at Central and South American geography.

The Letter People: I began kindergarten at some point between 1972 and 1990, which means I watched THE LETTER PEOPLE as a part of my taxpayer-supported education.  You know, "come and meet the letter people..."

No?  Well then, you're an ignorant slut.  You probably don't get that one either.  Anyway, here is a clip:

According to the internet, the rights to the Letter People went to someone else and they turned the Letter People all PC, so they no longer make references to junk food and there are more women and problem-solving skills. However, BACK IN MY DAY (to be heard in your head all kinds of curmudgeon-like, which incidentally is one of my favorite words), all the constants were Mister _ (i.e. Mister M, with the Munching Mouth), and all the vowels were Miss _ (Miss O was Obstinate!).  I moved in the middle of kindergarten and missed a couple of episodes.  To this day, I am perplexed at how they managed to reconcile Y sometimes being a vowel with this gender scheme.  Was Mr. Y a hermaphrodite?  I think Y being a drag queen would be more appropriate.  In Eris Greenberg's gritty reboot of the Letter People, RuPaul will be Y.  It is more fun to complain than simply watch old videos, FYI.

Differences Between Soulless Evil Corporations and Small Business, Part II

About two months after I started my current job, I wrote this post.  Now that I have been at my current job eight months (two months more than the other job referred to in that post), I bring you some more comparisons:

Retail	Office
Receive memos from corporate with words like "isle" in place of "aisle". New (micro)manager doesn't know how to use apostrophes. In a workplace of 175+ people, exactly three people are both aware of these mistakes and are bothered by them	"This memo has five mistakes. I circled two. Find the other three." After an hour and a half of getting paid $14 an hour to find the third mistake, I discovered that apparently stylistic choices count as mistakes.
"You know, if we talked this way at a real job, or even out on the floor, we'd probably get fired." (in reference to things my female friends cannot believe my male coworkers and I say to each other, even with context)	Almost got fired for using up-speak and talking with my hands.
in a calm, droning, almost-Lundburghian voice: "This is considered a warning. I am recording this conversation... so, no big deal, just stop doing it."	"Give me one good reason I shouldn't fire you right now! I mean, how many chances do YOU give people?"
Employee of the Week	Employee Not the Target of Employer's Wrath of the Week
"Well, go to the ER and get checked out. This is why we pay into worker's comp."	"Worker's compensation is a Communist conspiracy."
"Damn it, a bird got in here again. Anyone got a pellet gun?"	"Now now, birdie, don't divebomb my employees ::cackle::
"Wow, it was like watching someone crash a champagne fountain, only better. Good work, Abbadon."--after destroying over $100 worth of merchandise	"These are people's LIVES you're talking about. Maybe you're in the wrong profession!"--after I allegedly missed the point of a case I cited in a motion that my attorney only decided to file after I caught a possible error because, well shit, someone's life was at stake dudes.
"Just remember dude: this is a job, not a career. Unless you're [name of coworker who is an enemy of fun]."	Damn it, that was supposed to be my career.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Hail Satan!

"You're like the Voldemort of cock-blocking."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Buffalo Bill

"Life is suffering, friend. Suffering and drunk guys wanting to make suits out of you."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Mock Persecution Complex

"Do you really think I have the kind of business savvy needed for my own business? If yes, I feel that is an ethnic stereotype."

Not dead; just the flu.  Madness to begin again soon.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): My Hair is Now Full of Secrets!

"Yeah, I hand out comment cards."

Insomnia Chronicles: ALL WILL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!

So, I possibly, possibly ruined a nearly 400-day accident-free streak in my work area.  I will not confirm or deny this for fear of unmasking my true identity.  I am so embarrassed by the incident (don't worry, I am fine, physically) that I feel I need to re-earn my self-anointed title as king of my work area (yes, king; who the fuck wants to be queen?).  How will I do this?  FEAR, motherfuckers!  And who does society fear most?  THE INSANE, that's who!  I mean, look at Kim Jong Il.  That man is scary as shit, and it totally works for him.  I'm about the same height as Mr. Kim, although he probably has bigger boobs than me at this point, so... I've got to start terrifying those bitches at work into submission, using insanity.  So far I haven't figured out any ways that I can act crazier than usual though, other than begin to dot my i's and lowercase j's with hearts were I ever to express, in writing, the sentiment that I am not my coworkers' mother, because if I was, they would have all bee aborted.  Oh, and start drawing smiley faces with fangs.  Oh well, it was a good plan before I couldn't be more inventive.  Back to the drawing board.

News That You Don't Care About

In an effort to make it easier to update my running list of mean names my coworker has called me, I have moved it to its own page.  Now the bar on top looks less empty!  YAY!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Medical Dramas = No Fun

"Yeah, one of my coworkers compared our workplace to 'Grey's Anatomy'. To me, that means 'would be infinitely better and more tolerable with Muppets', but I think he meant 'drama'."

A Request

To any of my tens (ones?) of readers:

OMG NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO INVITE ME TO THEIR WEDDING THIS YEAR.  I AM GOING TO GO BANKRUPT.

Very Truly Yours,


Eris M. Greenberg

Bananas: Proof That Jeebus Hates Eris Greenberg

One of my facebook friends posted the following video:

Well, his was from Google Video, but I digress.  Anyway, I am pretty sure my friend was being facetious, because... you know, bananas are that way through selective cultivation by humans, and if God likes bananas so much, why aren't they ubiquitous and OMG I have to stop.  Also, pineapples.  But let's roll with this for a second.

Eris Motherfucking Greenberg is allergic to bananas.  They make her feel icky and her insides start itching.  I feel like if God created bananas to be awesome for human beings, and God made me allergic to them, God must hate me.  Fuck this God guy.  For serial.

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Faking It

"It's like in a hypothetical situation where your friend says their ex is good in bed, and one night you're bored and feeling fat and so you end up hitting said ex, and it turns out to be worse than the next time you have sex, years later, when you had to tell the guy to thrust (which by the way was a statement millions of years of evolution should have prevented me from ever having to make. Not that I just told you a true story or anything. Everything in that last sentence was a lie)."

Five Minute Photoshop Image Generated Specifically to Frighten E-Fizzle (without context)

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Clarification

"I guess by people I mean women, as men don't generally have ladyparts, hence the term men."

Running List: Things I Supposedly Am (according to my whore coworker)

1.) Terrible person (sometimes true)

2.) Stripper (absolutely false)

3.) Whore (No; whores cost money)

4.) Slut (Sluts get laid way more than I do)

5.) Heartbreaker (mostly not true)

6.) The Devil (this was because I made cupcakes since "location accuracy went up" [or in colloquial terms, "Sybil" got fired])
7.) "The Destroyer"
8.) Abaddon (see above)
9.) Children's encyclopedia (you know what, fuck this dude in the ear.)

I feel like this list will be important some day...

Edit: it's strange that my blog is Unholy Cupcakes and someone called me the Devil because I made cupcakes...

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Jokes That No One Should Find Funny That I Keep Repeating

"Yeah, my dad got a Toyota Highlander.  I've driven it a few times; it's nice and I kinda want one.  I guess I can't  get one though, because... THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE."

Stuff Other People Have Said (without context): Eris is not really funny

"Just shut up.  You're done talking.  Go away.  I'm not even sure what's worse: the fact that you MADE that joke or the fact that I found it hilarious."

I Work With 12-Year-Olds. White Ones.

My proof, an actual conversation with B. and G. at work, follows:

Eris: Hey, B., why is it that when I turn the key on this machine, it lights up then goes black?

G.: Because once you go black, you never go back!

A not-rhetorical question

Why are there so many hipsters named Mark?