In light of this and all other wedding talk I am inundated with at this time of year, I have compiled a list which will prove to the reader that if I ever found someone with self-esteem low enough to marry me, I should probably elope or just get a civil partnership.
- Trying to organize both sides of my family is like trying to herd cats. Some members of my mother's family are not big fans of my father. The members of my mother's family who still like my father would not be pleased that my father would bring his girlfriend while my mother watches the whole thing via the internet at her nursing home 1000s of miles away. Also, some of my siblings (read: both of them) have terrible taste in significant others and would try to inject said significant others into my wedding party. My brother also have two friends who call me "sis". One of these friends has a xerox machine for a uterus and keeps spitting out ginger kids every few years. If my betrothed has a family, this mess may become doubly complicated.
- I would morph into Bridezilla and cannibalize my entire bridal party in a bloody massacre narrated by Japanese singers chanting an approximation of "Bridezilla" over and over before before being subdued by Robert Smith of The Cure.
- Speaking of the bridal party, it seems like too political of a decision. I've already had to make agreements with people that we won't be in each other's weddings because it's a hard decision. I also have a lot of male friends I'd like to invite. Unfortunately, I have messed around with many of those male friends in the past and I get the feeling that would be awkward.
- Seating arrangements at the reception would go like this: "Well, we could put so and so and him together" "Oh yeah, that's a real braintrust by there. Maybe by the time the wedding's over, they will have discovered fire". This would apply to half the combinations of people I could seat together.
- My hyper-vigilant need to cater to everyone's dietary needs would lead to my head exploding.
- I was raised as a Unitarian by my Jewish father and my formerly born-again mother. My grandparents are Methodist, at least one set of aunts and uncles are Catholics (along with a cousin-by-marriage), and my brother is an ordained internet minister so he can perform marriages in his LARP group. My father's sister is a lay rabbi and I think my sister's boyfriend wishes he was a Rastafarian judging by the sheer amount of marijuana he consumes every hour. I also have two uncles named Don who are Republicans along with a cousin, appropriately named Dick who shares these views (he also hugs too tight). If any more religions are introduced to this mix, we may as well rename our wedding location "Israel" and prepare for the firebombings. Who the fuck do I get to perform my wedding ceremony in such a climate, especially considering I don't think the Planet of the Apes-themed wedding Mandy was going to do before it was vetoed by her mother would pass muster with any member of my family either.
- Remember when I mentioned the degree of low self-esteem a man would have to have to marry me? If such a man exists, I would say he is also emotionally dead inside and suffering from at least one mental illness listed in the DSM-IV besides functional alcoholism. Planning a wedding gives him more time for planning an escape.
