Stuff I Have Said (without context): Bacon

"Oh bacon, your ability to coat my arteries in cholesterol coats my soul in warm fuzzies. Never stop being so delicious."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Creative Solutions to the Ginger Problem

"I mean, botulism would cure your migraines forever."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Monkey pickpockets

"I wonder if anyone has ever made a documentary about monkey crime lords."

Stuff My Old Roommate's Mother Has Said (without context)

"I did not raise you to drink Gatorade!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Noms

"It's clear that we all must continue to consume McDonald's in order to gain the power of eternal life, like in 'Highlander'. Totally easier than beheading someone."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Roneriness

"I like North Korean politics for the same reason I like Teen Mom."

Stuff my coworkers have said (without context)

"Don't kill him.  If you do, let me know.  I have five acres of land."