Dear Pendantic Asshole Who Ruined My Tuesday:
We have never met, and in fact, to your knowledge, we have never interacted in any way, shape or form during our time on this planet. We live on opposite coasts, are in different time zones, and may even be of different generations. But you sir, ruined my Tuesday.
You see, last week, my coworker, who is the adult version of those "Reasons My Toddler is Crying" blogs (reasons my coworker is crying: she can't log into the bank to send a wire. Her scanner isn't working. She hit a rabbit two days ago on her way to work), quit. On Tuesday, I spent the majority of my day cleaning up her messes, and as a result, decided to pawn off some of my work on my coworker, who because I am not feeling creative, I will refer to as Jamiroquai. Jamiroquai came over to ask me a question, and I happened to mention that I was overwhelmed and asked him to sign a document for me. A few minutes later, I am in deep in something incredibly important involving some impatient idiots, and I get an IM from Jamiroquai.
Jamiroquai: Hey, do we have to have the [redacted] form on file to sign this?
Eris: Excellent question. I will have to ask my boss.
So I waste five minutes talking to my boss about it. The conclusion: meh.
Eris: Well, kinda, yeah. What's the problem?
Jamiroquai: The [third party "professional"] does not want to sign it.
Eris: Um... why the fuck not? Fuck, I need to stop saying fuck in these IMs.
Jamiroquai: He says that it doesn't say what we think it does. He says it means that if we asked him to light the [subject of contract] on fire, he'd have to do it.
And that's when I snapped.
Eris: Is he coming into the office? Can you just... backhand him when he gets here? Oh, never mind, he lives on the East Coast. Just... tell him to kill himself.
Jamiroquai: What?
Eris: I'm serious. Any contract asking you to do something illegal, you know, like ARSON, isn't enforceable. You are interacting with and humoring a pedantic asshole, and as a pedantic asshole myself, he has got to be stopped. Think about it, dude, he has the right to vote. Do you really want a pedantic asshole like that voting? But if he doesn't have the good sense to remove himself from the gene pool, just tell him not to initial that line and specify his objection in writing. I genuinely give zero fucks about his opinion of how our contracts are worded, nor do I give a fuck about getting the [redacted] form on file because no one told me we were supposed to be collecting them anyway.
Eris: so yeah, instruct him as follows: don't initial that line, object in writing, go die.
Jamiroquai: I will convey this information minus the "please die" part.
Eris: And this is why I do not interact with the general public.
I hate you, pedantic asshole. With every fiber of my being, I will never forget how you made a task that was supposed to be not my chair, not my problem, into another frustrating part of my frustrating day. I hope you are hit by a bus full of Cleveland Browns players.
Regards,
Eris M. Greenberg
