An Open Letter to the Pendantic Asshole Who Ruined My Tuesday

Dear Pendantic Asshole Who Ruined My Tuesday:

We have never met, and in fact, to your knowledge, we have never interacted in any way, shape or form during our time on this planet.  We live on opposite coasts, are in different time zones, and may even be of different generations.  But you sir, ruined my Tuesday.

You see, last week, my coworker, who is the adult version of those "Reasons My Toddler is Crying" blogs (reasons my coworker is crying: she can't log into the bank to send a wire.  Her scanner isn't working.  She hit a rabbit two days ago on her way to work), quit.  On Tuesday, I spent the majority of my day cleaning up her messes, and as a result, decided to pawn off some of my work on my coworker, who because I am not feeling creative, I will refer to as Jamiroquai. Jamiroquai came over to ask me a question, and I happened to mention that I was overwhelmed and asked him to sign a document for me.  A few minutes later, I am in deep in something incredibly important involving some impatient idiots, and I get an IM from Jamiroquai.

Jamiroquai: Hey, do we have to have the [redacted] form on file to sign this?
Eris: Excellent question.  I will have to ask my boss.

So I waste five minutes talking to my boss about it.  The conclusion: meh.

Eris: Well, kinda, yeah.  What's the problem?
Jamiroquai: The [third party "professional"] does not want to sign it.
Eris: Um... why the fuck not?  Fuck, I need to stop saying fuck in these IMs.
Jamiroquai: He says that it doesn't say what we think it does.  He says it means that if we asked him to light the [subject of contract] on fire, he'd have to do it.

And that's when I snapped.

Eris: Is he coming into the office?  Can you just... backhand him when he gets here?  Oh, never mind, he lives on the East Coast.  Just... tell him to kill himself.
Jamiroquai: What?
Eris:  I'm serious.  Any contract asking you to do something illegal, you know, like ARSON, isn't enforceable. You are interacting with and humoring a pedantic asshole, and as a pedantic asshole myself, he has got to be stopped.  Think about it, dude, he has the right to vote.  Do you really want a pedantic asshole like that voting? But if he doesn't have the good sense to remove himself from the gene pool, just tell him not to initial that line and specify his objection in writing.  I genuinely give zero fucks about his opinion of how our contracts are worded, nor do I give a fuck about getting the [redacted] form on file because no one told me we were supposed to be collecting them anyway.
Eris:  so yeah, instruct him as follows: don't initial that line, object in writing, go die.
Jamiroquai: I will convey this information minus the "please die" part.
Eris: And this is why I do not interact with the general public.

I hate you, pedantic asshole.  With every fiber of my being, I will never forget how you made a task that was supposed to be not my chair, not my problem, into another frustrating part of my frustrating day.  I hope you are hit by a bus full of Cleveland Browns players.

Regards,
Eris M. Greenberg  

Eris Greenberg's Guide to Online Dating

Online dating is a lot like teenage suicide: don't do it.  Seriously, meet people any other way: through coworkers, through people you knew and kind of didn't like in college, let your dad try to force you on dates with random dudes he met at a Christmas party, or even try socializing and meeting people with similar interests or hobbies.  Online dating will make you hate humanity and look forward to your life as a cat lady/dude, or, if you are like Eris Greenberg and super allergic to cats, you will just drink more wine and get a resin tyrannosaurus head for your living room.

Dr. Malcolm has since lost his license to practice obstetrics.

If that hasn't convinced you that your life will be infinitely more awesome without a spouse telling you what to do, or if it has made you even more afraid of being in your very, very, very late twenties and never being in a serious relationship, here are some tips for how to successfully master the art of online dating, from someone who is super hot and awesome and will probably never respond to your online dating messages unless you follow the tips after the jump.

Stuff I Have Said (Without Context): Perfect Strangers With Awful Beards

"He looks the part.  I will be the FBI to his David Koresh."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Chubby Chasin'

"I need a fat boyfriend to exploit for body heat.  I could probably hide snacks in his fat folds.  Nothing that would melt, just trail mix, or beef jerky."

Eris Greenberg Returns!

After a long slumber, I, Eris Greenberg, have returned!  Where did you go, my many (read: zero) followers ask.  Oh great and noble Eris, what happened in May of 2011 to make you leave us?

Um, I dunno, stuff happened I guess?  I got really busy that summer with friends' weddings, family weddings, nervous breakdowns, and not straight-up murdering people.  Then the hits kept on coming: I had to learn how to make latkes, I lost my brother in the Cuyahoga County Correctional System for like 24 hours (pro-tip: Eris Greenberg should not be your phone call of choice from jail), and Battlestar Galatica made me believe that God has a plan for everyone, Gaius.  That plan just happens to be waiting a fucking half hour for Lalery to take his goddamn turn.

But lately, because I no longer work for a massive, soulless corporation that gives zero fucks about Antisemitism but will threaten to fire someone for drunkenly calling someone who totally deserved it a tramp (totally true story with zero hyperbole), I've had more time to think while I sit at my desk pretending to work.  And while I could, conceivably, just post my thoughts to Facebook from my phone, I do worry that eventually, a client or someone will track me down on Facebook and be all "why do we trust this woman to wire out hundreds of thousands of dollars for us?"  Seriously, we did that to my adversary, and we now refer to him as C-note around the office and he has become a huge joke.  All because he looks like a total bro in his Facebook profile picture.

So, in the coming weeks you can expect me to rant about some stuff, because I'm super angry, and maybe make jokes about C-note, my Polish friend, and of course some shit Patience has said.  Stay tuned, many (zero) readers!  Stay tuned!