Stuff I Have Said (without context): Ex-Boyfriends

"Well, [my current employer] would never fire me for making fun of its emo poetry."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Scotch

"Well there you go.  Florida has exactly three types of people: white trash, Cubans, and old Jews.  None of them can make scotch."

Notosha's Birthday E-Card

You know, for something I have never actually seen, I worry a lot about anglerfish:

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Gay Welshies in Russia

"I hope I have made you laugh inappropriately in front of your chin (is that what he would be to you as you are his beard?)"

Stuff I Will Deny Saying (without context): workplace romances

"Maybe I should talk to HR about hiring more cute single heterosexual guys."

Stuff I Will Probably Be Saying Next Week (without context)

"Beth, bear-mace that guy!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Cake

"Cake is for winners."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Foreign Languages

"Swedish sounds less like the Swedish chef than I have been led to believe. Lying muppets."

An E-Card I Made for E-Fizzle

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Bacon

"Oh bacon, your ability to coat my arteries in cholesterol coats my soul in warm fuzzies. Never stop being so delicious."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Creative Solutions to the Ginger Problem

"I mean, botulism would cure your migraines forever."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Monkey pickpockets

"I wonder if anyone has ever made a documentary about monkey crime lords."

Stuff My Old Roommate's Mother Has Said (without context)

"I did not raise you to drink Gatorade!"

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Noms

"It's clear that we all must continue to consume McDonald's in order to gain the power of eternal life, like in 'Highlander'. Totally easier than beheading someone."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Roneriness

"I like North Korean politics for the same reason I like Teen Mom."

Stuff my coworkers have said (without context)

"Don't kill him.  If you do, let me know.  I have five acres of land."