In A World Full of Kardashians...

I, Eris M. Greenberg, have come off of my blogging hiatus because I something important to say to you, the zero people who read my blog:

In a world fill of Kardashians, be whoever the fuck you want.

You've seen the meme.  It's a picture of someone like Lucille Ball, Princess Di, Audrey Hepburn, or Janis Joplin.  The text reads "In a world full of Kardashians, be a Janis".

At first I really couldn't figure out why this meme bothered me.  I mean, maybe Princess Di's humanitarianism is a better thing to emulate than the Kardashian's multimedia entertainment empire.  Maybe I've always thought that Audrey Hepburn really isn't that remarkable outside of her acting career, or maybe I thought to myself that Janis Joplin, for all her talent, died of a drug overdose so is she really a super great role model compared to the Kardashians?  Are these even fair comparisons, since Diana was a literal princess and the Kardashians first claim to fame involved their dad defending OJ?  That wasn't what really bothered me though, as before too long I was thinking about comments I hear from time to time:

"Good for that girl for trying to join Boy Scouts!  All the Girl Scouts do is sissy stuff!"

"I never played with dolls or dumb things like that.  Give me my Star Wars Legos or give me death!"

"Girls are too much drama!  My only friends are guys."

"What is with all this pink shit?  Real women love primary colors!"

"Oh my god, eat a cheeseburger!  Who would ever want to weigh that little?"

"Madonna is an aged whore.  Long live Lady Gaga!"

"Damn it, I worked hard for this body!  If I can do it, so can you, so cover up, Fatty!"

"I love getting all dolled up!  I don't understand why you showed up in slacks and a sweater."

"Oh my god, [other girl] is such a slut.  I'm saving myself for marriage!"

"I love being a mom!  You can't really be a whole person until you're a mom!"

"My son eats only organic vegan snacks!  Why are you feeding your kid garbage?"

"Being a woman is all about overcoming the struggles we faced as girls!  Transwomen aren't real women!"

Why do we boost ourselves and our heroes up by bringing other women down?  Why do we women specifically do that to other women?  Why, with all the strides we have made in gender parity, do we still feel the need to demonize each other to justify our own behavior?  I know that it's at least partly due to insecurity, but it's a cop-out to ascribe every single instance of build up/put down to that, especially in relation to this meme.

Lucille Ball was a great actress, hysterical comedian, and a savvy businesswoman.  Princess Di was a humanitarian.  Audrey Hepburn is still worshiped years after her death because her films and the image she presented in them are timeless and continue to resonate.  Janis Joplin rocked, and rocked hard.  Now go back and add "as opposed to the Kardashians" to those sentences.  Some of them don't even make SENSE with that bit tacked on.  And yes, you'd never get told that in a world full of Hemsworths to be 

I'm a girly-girl.  I love dresses and jewelry and the color pink.  I enjoyed Girl Scouts, and I loved Legos, regardless of whether I was building a spaceship or a dollhouse.  I also hate make-up, am not super good at relationships and having kids is kind of a pipe dream therefore.  These are *my* choices.  They might not be right for you-- some of the greatest women I know are the opposite of me, and I love them because they have made their own choices in an effort to be authentic to themselves.  When we criticize each other for choices we make as women, we are saying there is only one way to be a good woman, and that is the voice of the patriarchy talking.  Feminism and the struggle for gender parity is about, or should be about, having the right to make your own choices without them being denied based on your gender expression.  It's about having the right to be a savvy businesswoman, or an award-winning actress, or make a sex tape, or party hard, and not be told that it's not the right way to be a woman.

In the end, this particular meme is sort of trivial, in that it captures a small slice of the fight for parity.  After all, men also deal with a lot of awful messages about gender expression, and this meme is all about white women.  However, never understimate the power of one internet meme to prompt a larger discussion about gender expression, and just in general how we treat each other.  You can build your hero up without bringing someone else down.  You can say "I loved playing with Legos and climbing trees" as a kid without criticizing anyone who played with dolls.  You can love make-up and respect someone else for not wearing it.  You can love your body and let others love theirs. Being a mom can be your greatest joy and you can respect someone for whom that would be their greatest nightmare. Let's all remember that there's no right way or wrong way to be a woman, or a man, or anyone else.  If someone makes a choice about their life, and it isn't causing you harm, give them the same right to be their authentic self as you have.

This does not apply, obviously, if you like anchovies.  They taste bad and you should feel bad.

An Open Letter to the Pendantic Asshole Who Ruined My Tuesday

Dear Pendantic Asshole Who Ruined My Tuesday:

We have never met, and in fact, to your knowledge, we have never interacted in any way, shape or form during our time on this planet.  We live on opposite coasts, are in different time zones, and may even be of different generations.  But you sir, ruined my Tuesday.

You see, last week, my coworker, who is the adult version of those "Reasons My Toddler is Crying" blogs (reasons my coworker is crying: she can't log into the bank to send a wire.  Her scanner isn't working.  She hit a rabbit two days ago on her way to work), quit.  On Tuesday, I spent the majority of my day cleaning up her messes, and as a result, decided to pawn off some of my work on my coworker, who because I am not feeling creative, I will refer to as Jamiroquai. Jamiroquai came over to ask me a question, and I happened to mention that I was overwhelmed and asked him to sign a document for me.  A few minutes later, I am in deep in something incredibly important involving some impatient idiots, and I get an IM from Jamiroquai.

Jamiroquai: Hey, do we have to have the [redacted] form on file to sign this?
Eris: Excellent question.  I will have to ask my boss.

So I waste five minutes talking to my boss about it.  The conclusion: meh.

Eris: Well, kinda, yeah.  What's the problem?
Jamiroquai: The [third party "professional"] does not want to sign it.
Eris: Um... why the fuck not?  Fuck, I need to stop saying fuck in these IMs.
Jamiroquai: He says that it doesn't say what we think it does.  He says it means that if we asked him to light the [subject of contract] on fire, he'd have to do it.

And that's when I snapped.

Eris: Is he coming into the office?  Can you just... backhand him when he gets here?  Oh, never mind, he lives on the East Coast.  Just... tell him to kill himself.
Jamiroquai: What?
Eris:  I'm serious.  Any contract asking you to do something illegal, you know, like ARSON, isn't enforceable. You are interacting with and humoring a pedantic asshole, and as a pedantic asshole myself, he has got to be stopped.  Think about it, dude, he has the right to vote.  Do you really want a pedantic asshole like that voting? But if he doesn't have the good sense to remove himself from the gene pool, just tell him not to initial that line and specify his objection in writing.  I genuinely give zero fucks about his opinion of how our contracts are worded, nor do I give a fuck about getting the [redacted] form on file because no one told me we were supposed to be collecting them anyway.
Eris:  so yeah, instruct him as follows: don't initial that line, object in writing, go die.
Jamiroquai: I will convey this information minus the "please die" part.
Eris: And this is why I do not interact with the general public.

I hate you, pedantic asshole.  With every fiber of my being, I will never forget how you made a task that was supposed to be not my chair, not my problem, into another frustrating part of my frustrating day.  I hope you are hit by a bus full of Cleveland Browns players.

Regards,
Eris M. Greenberg  

Eris Greenberg's Guide to Online Dating

Online dating is a lot like teenage suicide: don't do it.  Seriously, meet people any other way: through coworkers, through people you knew and kind of didn't like in college, let your dad try to force you on dates with random dudes he met at a Christmas party, or even try socializing and meeting people with similar interests or hobbies.  Online dating will make you hate humanity and look forward to your life as a cat lady/dude, or, if you are like Eris Greenberg and super allergic to cats, you will just drink more wine and get a resin tyrannosaurus head for your living room.

Dr. Malcolm has since lost his license to practice obstetrics.

If that hasn't convinced you that your life will be infinitely more awesome without a spouse telling you what to do, or if it has made you even more afraid of being in your very, very, very late twenties and never being in a serious relationship, here are some tips for how to successfully master the art of online dating, from someone who is super hot and awesome and will probably never respond to your online dating messages unless you follow the tips after the jump.

Stuff I Have Said (Without Context): Perfect Strangers With Awful Beards

"He looks the part.  I will be the FBI to his David Koresh."

Stuff I Have Said (without context): Chubby Chasin'

"I need a fat boyfriend to exploit for body heat.  I could probably hide snacks in his fat folds.  Nothing that would melt, just trail mix, or beef jerky."

Eris Greenberg Returns!

After a long slumber, I, Eris Greenberg, have returned!  Where did you go, my many (read: zero) followers ask.  Oh great and noble Eris, what happened in May of 2011 to make you leave us?

Um, I dunno, stuff happened I guess?  I got really busy that summer with friends' weddings, family weddings, nervous breakdowns, and not straight-up murdering people.  Then the hits kept on coming: I had to learn how to make latkes, I lost my brother in the Cuyahoga County Correctional System for like 24 hours (pro-tip: Eris Greenberg should not be your phone call of choice from jail), and Battlestar Galatica made me believe that God has a plan for everyone, Gaius.  That plan just happens to be waiting a fucking half hour for Lalery to take his goddamn turn.

But lately, because I no longer work for a massive, soulless corporation that gives zero fucks about Antisemitism but will threaten to fire someone for drunkenly calling someone who totally deserved it a tramp (totally true story with zero hyperbole), I've had more time to think while I sit at my desk pretending to work.  And while I could, conceivably, just post my thoughts to Facebook from my phone, I do worry that eventually, a client or someone will track me down on Facebook and be all "why do we trust this woman to wire out hundreds of thousands of dollars for us?"  Seriously, we did that to my adversary, and we now refer to him as C-note around the office and he has become a huge joke.  All because he looks like a total bro in his Facebook profile picture.

So, in the coming weeks you can expect me to rant about some stuff, because I'm super angry, and maybe make jokes about C-note, my Polish friend, and of course some shit Patience has said.  Stay tuned, many (zero) readers!  Stay tuned!

Stuff I Have Said (without context): America, FUCK YEAH!

"Like America, Eris Greenberg has taken out her trash."